Author Topic: Crossing boundaries  (Read 5489 times)

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Offline Lord Janos

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Crossing boundaries
« on: July 23, 2007, 02:27:37 pm »
I'm just going to vent something that's had me kicking myself for the past couple of days...

Basically, a very good friend of mine (female) was round the other night, and the next day I was still drunk and very hungover (I'd drunk a hell of a lot the previous night).  Anyway, I was in this morning after state, and we ended up having a little cuddle (you know, as you do with your girl mates).  I won't go into detail, but I basically end up with my hand around her crotch area (I hate beating round the bush with these matters... excuse the pun!).  Now I have no wish for a relationship with this girl, and don't know what the hell gave me the impulse to do that (apart from my penis, of course), but the trouble is we're quite good friends (and screw it I was getting mixed signals anyway, I can never understand women at the best of times... if someone says the previous night, "Come upstairs with me... NOW!" then I interpret that as, "I'm drunk, I'm horny, let's ****!") and she didn't exactly make much move to stop me doing that.  I don't want her and she doesn't want me, and damn it I don't really care about the incident - it means nothing to me, but I'd rather it wasn't brought up in future conversation.

So... bring it up and apologise, and tell her that it meant nothing to me and that to me it's not an issue, or just pretend it never happened (I like this option)...



Offline Uroboros

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2007, 02:33:16 pm »
You were drunk, she was drunk. If she doesnt want you and you dont want her, let it vanish under what little unsettled dust there is. If there are issues arising from this, you can deal with them as they reveal themselves. Trying to bring it up is probably going to make her wonder more, so cringe once, and put it behind you.

Offline Lord Janos

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2007, 02:43:30 pm »
You were drunk, she was drunk. If she doesnt want you and you dont want her, let it vanish under what little unsettled dust there is. If there are issues arising from this, you can deal with them as they reveal themselves. Trying to bring it up is probably going to make her wonder more, so cringe once, and put it behind you.

No, this happened the morning after, and I remember it clearly.

Offline Kcronos

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2007, 02:44:41 pm »
Then why in God's name did you do it?    >:( >:( >:(




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Offline Plank of Wood

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2007, 02:48:19 pm »
You got drunk, and you didn't invite me? Shame on you >:(
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Offline LadyM

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2007, 02:48:54 pm »
From a female perspective I would not apologize and tell her it was a mistake and it meant nothing. That would hurt her feelings. Who wants to be told that they mean nothing? I would go with say nothing. If she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up probably.

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2007, 02:51:25 pm »
From a female perspective I would not apologize and tell her it was a mistake and it meant nothing. That would hurt her feelings. Who wants to be told that they mean nothing? I would go with say nothing. If she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up probably.

To be honest, thats what I'd do. Never mention it again. If you both didn't want it, you're probably both loathe to bring it up again. It may seem the 'cowardly' option, but it's what I'd do. Ignore it, and hope she does the same.
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Offline Lord Janos

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2007, 02:51:46 pm »
From a female perspective I would not apologize and tell her it was a mistake and it meant nothing. That would hurt her feelings. Who wants to be told that they mean nothing? I would go with say nothing. If she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up probably.

Well of course she means something to me - she's a friend.  I wouldn't even have thought about it if she was some random girl one night... in that situation I just wouldn't speak to her again!

Actually, this thread has made me out to be completely insensitive and shallow...

Offline Little

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2007, 02:57:19 pm »
 :D

Never say to a girl that they mean nothing.

It pisses us off.
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Offline LadyM

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2007, 03:06:17 pm »
No, your not coming off as insensitive and shallow. I didn't mean for it to sound like she didn't mean anything but sometimes a small comment can do more damage to a woman's self esteem than it's meant to. I don't know how close you two are, I can only tell you how it would make me feel.

Offline Cool AN

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2007, 03:09:04 pm »
If you can't tell a person (a girl in this case) that one event was nothing, but that you still care for said person, how can you ever say anything to any event?

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Offline Piloteer

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2007, 03:12:05 pm »
Heh. I find it funny that LadyM, as a woman, is saying don't talk and don't apologize. :D

Not that I think that's the wrong way to go, just that women are always talking about communication.




Offline LadyM

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2007, 03:16:00 pm »
The point is that you don't say it was nothing. It's not what you say but how you say it and thats the hard part.

Heh. I find it funny that LadyM, as a woman, is saying don't talk and don't apologize. :D

Not that I think that's the wrong way to go, just that women are always talking about communication.

Why apologize if she isn't upset? She might be thinking the same thing. I don't always want to talk about things but if I do, I'll bring it up.


Offline Piloteer

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2007, 03:18:38 pm »
The point is that you don't say it was nothing. It's not what you say but how you say it and thats the hard part.

Heh. I find it funny that LadyM, as a woman, is saying don't talk and don't apologize. :D

Not that I think that's the wrong way to go, just that women are always talking about communication.

Why apologize if she isn't upset? She might be thinking the same thing. I don't always want to talk about things but if I do, I'll bring it up.

Oh no, I totally agree with you. It's just that in most situations, women advise to apologize and be communicative, while guys will usually want to just bury it deep inside and hope nothing happens, so it's funny to see a woman say "don't apologize and say nothing".

Again, I think that's the best solution in this situation, it's just sort of funny to see a woman telling a guy that he shouldn't apologize or talk.

Offline Uroboros

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Re: Crossing boundaries
« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2007, 03:36:46 pm »
From a female perspective I would not apologize and tell her it was a mistake and it meant nothing. That would hurt her feelings. Who wants to be told that they mean nothing?
Key words there. "It", and "they". The crossing context frustrates, because there are those who would interpret it as "im interested in you", then feel hurt after getting their hopes up and eventually discovering the lack of mutual interest. A little hurt now would sound better than a lot of lingering hurt later, but either way the guy is left feeling like the villain, and a rather stuck one at that. From the male perspective, we dont want to hurt a friend, but are left with little option to 'damage control'. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
 
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but sometimes a small comment can do more damage to a woman's self esteem than it's meant to.
Its the same with a lot of guys too, it just shows on the surface less often.