Author Topic: Monty Python and the Holy Grail  (Read 7716 times)

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Offline The Evil Blob

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Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« on: March 19, 2005, 06:27:07 pm »
Anyone remember this?


Constitutional Peasants

Arthur:   Old woman!
Dennis:   Man!
Arthur:   Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis:   I’m thirty-seven.
Arthur:   What?
Dennis:   I’m thirty-seven… I’m not old.
Arthur:   Well I can’t just call you “Man”.
Dennis:   Well you could say “Dennis”.
Arthur:   I didn’t know you were called Dennis.
Dennis:   You didn’t bother to find out, did you?
Arthur:   I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind you looked…
Dennis:   What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior…
Arthur:   Well… I am King.
Dennis:   Oh, King, eh? Very nice. And how d’you get that eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress…
(An old woman appears)
Old Woman:   Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down here… Oh! How d’you do?
Arthur:   How d’you do, good lady… I am Arthur, King of the Britons… Whose castle is that?
Old Woman:   King of the who?
Arthur:   The Britons.
Old Woman:   Who are the Britons?
Arthur:   We all are… we’re all Britons. And I am your King…
Old Woman:   Didn’t know we had a King. I thought we were an autonomous collective…
Dennis:   You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes…
Old Woman:   Oh, there you go bringing class into it again…
Dennis:   That’s what it’s all about… If only people would…
Arthur:   Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Old Woman:   No one lives there.
Arthur:             Then, who is your lord?
Old Woman:   We don’t have a lord.
Arthur:   What?
Dennis:   I told you, we’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
Arthur:   Yes.
Dennis:   But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting…
Arthur:   Yes, I see.
Dennis:   …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…
Arthur:   Be quiet!
Dennis:   …but a two-thirds majority in the case of a more major…
Arthur:   Be quiet! I order you to be quiet.
Old Woman:   Order, eh. Who does he think he is?
Arthur:   I am your King!
Old Woman:   Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Arthur:   You don’t vote for Kings.
Old Woman:   Well, how did you become King, then?
Arthur:   The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur… That is why I’m your King!
Dennis:   Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur:   Be quiet!
Dennis:   You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur:   Shut up!
Dennis:   I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
Arthur:   (grabbing him by the collar) Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Dennis:   Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Arthur:   Shut up!
Dennis:   (calling) Ooh… Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I’m being repressed!
Arthur:    Bloody peasant!
Dennis:   Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn’t you?
« Last Edit: March 24, 2005, 03:34:29 pm by The Evil Blob »


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Offline Syncmasterk

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2005, 06:28:33 pm »
:D you just made my day
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Offline ZeldaGamerMonthly

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2005, 06:31:30 pm »
As much as I love all of the Python films (They all tie for second place in my favorite movies of all-time list), I'd have to say that Grail is still my least favorite out of all of them. I just find And Now For Something Completely Different so much more amusing.

Offline The Evil Blob

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2005, 06:34:10 pm »
And Now For Something Completely Different... a man with three buttocks.
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Offline Syncmasterk

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2005, 06:34:23 pm »
I like Life of Brian the most probbably with ANFSCD in close second then Holy Grail
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Offline The Evil Blob

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2005, 06:39:16 pm »
I remember "And Now For Something Completely The Same" following "And Now For Something Completely Different" once.
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Offline The Evil Blob

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2005, 07:34:10 pm »
I have also found time to type this up:

Coconuts

Soldier:   Halt! Who goes there?
Arthur:   It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons! Defeater of the Saxons! Sovereign of all England!
Solder:   Pull the other one.
Arthur:   I am… This is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier:   What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur:   Yes.
Soldier:   You’re using coconuts.
Arthur:   What?
Soldier:   You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re banging them together.
Arthur:   So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the Kingdom of Mercia.
Soldier:   Where did you get the coconuts?
Arthur:   We found them.
Soldier:   Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
Arthur:   What do you mean?
Soldier:   Well, this is a temperate zone.
Arthur:   The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Soldier:   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Arthur:   Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier:   What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
Arthur:   It could grip it by the husk…
Soldier:   It’s not a question of where he grips it, it’s a simple question of weight ratio. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.
Arthur:   Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
Soldier:   Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second. Right?
Arthur:   Please!
Soldier:   Am I right?
Arthur:   I’m not interested.
(A second soldier appears)
Soldier 2:   It could be carried by an African swallow!
Soldier 1:   Oh, yes! An African swallow maybe… but not a European swallow. That’s my point.
Soldier 2:   Oh, yes. I agree with that…
Arthur:   Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
Soldier 1:   But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.
Soldier 2:   Oh, yes.
(Arthur and Patsy leave)
Soldier 1:   So they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
Soldier 2:   Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
Soldier 1:   No, they’d have to have it on a line.
Soldier 2:   Well simple- they just use a strand of creeper…
Soldier 1:   What, under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Soldier 2:   Why not?

I may soon type a transcript of a Monty Python classic skit- "Dead Parrot" a.k.a "Pet Shop".
« Last Edit: March 31, 2005, 03:35:27 pm by The Evil Blob »
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Offline Gaming Steve

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2005, 08:55:26 pm »
I just saw Spamalot on Monday ... freaking insanely funny. If you ever come to New York and have a couple hundred bucks definately see Spamalot. Yeah, it's a ton of money but it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.
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Offline The Evil Blob

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2005, 08:56:53 pm »
That looks like the best thing ever to come out on Broadway.
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Offline legameboy

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2005, 09:36:01 pm »
I heart anything Monty Python. The Holy Grail is a good'un, but I liked Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life were better. And Now for Something Completely Different is also awesome. ;D

Offline Scipion

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2005, 10:29:23 pm »
I have all the movies, and my favorite skit is the funniest joke in the world. I love when they are yelling it out in german.
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Offline Agent Zero

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2005, 03:23:25 am »
Ah yes, the Python movies. Four of the funniest films ever made. The only thing that comes close to them in terms of sheer hilarity is Airplane!

"YOU ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!" "We are all individuals!" "I'm not"
"Hee hee hee, ah told 'em we already gots one!"
"She turned me into a newt . . . . I got better"
"Suicide Squad CHARGE!" *glurk* "That showed 'em"
etc.
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Offline Anou Mawi

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2005, 08:39:26 pm »
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
I am purdy sure I watched it, if so this is from it.

Offline LadyM

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2005, 12:10:21 pm »
Gosh its been a long time since I've seen a Monty Python movie.. time to rent them again.

Offline The Evil Blob

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Re: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2005, 05:30:32 pm »
All right. Here's my transcript of:

Pet Shop

Customer:     I wish to register a complaint! *Clears throat* Hello, Miss?
Shopkeeper: What do you mean, "Miss?"
Customer:     I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closed for lunch.
Customer:     Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh yes. The Norweigian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Customer:     I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper: No, no. He's resting.
Customer:     Look, I know a dead parrot when I see one. And I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No, no, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable bird the Norweigian Blue, isn't it eh? Beautiful plumage.
Customer:     The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
Shopkeeper: No, no. He's resting.
Customer:     All right, then. If he's resting, I'll wake him up. (Screaming at dead bird) Hello, Polly parrot. I've got a lovely dilicious fresh fish for you.
Shopkeeper: (Hits bird cage) There, he moved.
Customer:     No, he didn't. That was you hitting the cage.
Shopkeeper: I never!
Customer:     Yes you did! (Screaming at bird again) Hello, Polly! Wakey, wakey! (Bangs parrot on table) Testing! (Bangs parrot on table) This is your nine o'clock land call! (Bangs parrot on table) (Not screaming anymore) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: He's stunned.
Customer:     Stunned?
Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him just as he was waking up. Norweigian Blues stun easily.
Customer:     Now listen, matey, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definately deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a prolonged squat.
Shopkeeper: Well, he's uh... He's probably pining for the fields.
Customer:     Pining for the fields? "Pining for the fields," what kind of talk is that? (Partially to audience) Look! This is nothing to laugh at! Why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
Shopkeeper: The Norweigian Blue prefers sleeping on its back. Remarkable bird, eh? Beautiful plumage!

Sorry, I'll finish later.
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