Author Topic: I am writing a book  (Read 14350 times)

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Offline syphonbyte

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I am writing a book
« on: July 01, 2006, 09:53:09 pm »
The current working title is: "The Day I Found a Jew in My Attic"

I won't even try to explain it, I'll just post the first chapter for your reading pleasure. Remember that when this book comes out, what you are about to read will be worth millions of dollars in gold bullion and traveller's checks. Note: there is probably offensive language and stuff in here. Don't read if you're under 18 or something I guess.

Chapter 1

   I woke up one morning to the sound of screeching tires. I jumped to my feet and looked out the window to see a red pickup speeding away.
   "I guess he's late for work," I muttered as I went to take a shower.
   It was a fine morning. The dew on the grass caused the lawns around the neighborhood to shimmer in the morning sun. Slowly, the dew evaporated as the heat of the morning set in, which (for the time being) is totally irrelevant. The forecast was rain, unfortunately, but that was nothing my umbrella wasn't prepared for. I did wonder how the Spring Parade on Main Street would handle the rain, though.
   Halfway through my shower I remembered that I was the proud owner of a red pickup.
   Well... *$#%. I rushed out of the shower and immediately slipped. For three hours, I sat unconscious on the bathroom floor. The storm gathered overhead and cast a threatening (metaphorical) gaze on the Spring Parade.
   Meanwhile, my bathroom was filling with water from the shower, which I had neglected to turn off as I fell unconscious. I woke up with a terrible headache and some water in my lungs, but luckily I was alive. I even had the presence of mind to shut off the shower and get some towels on the floor to soak up the mess.
   "Well, at least there's no permanent damage," I thought as the toilet settled down into a comfortable spot on the floor.
   Moments later, my bathroom had been relocated to the kitchen downstairs. "This Old House" would be envious.
   That morning on the city bus, I thought about my many bus rides to school in my earlier years. I thought about how I never managed to stay awake on those long, boring rides. The city bus was no exception, and when I woke up, my briefcase was gone.
   "My briefcase! Where is it?" I shouted as I looked around the bus.
   The only offering of aid came from an old woman who smugly told me that somebody had stolen my briefcase.
   I suppose I should elaborate. My briefcase is an extremely important item. I work at a large indiscernable company in a somewhat important indiscernable job, which basically means that I play video games on my computer all day and then give presentations based on the work of my subordinates, then get congratulated by my superiors and play a few rounds of golf with them in hopes of getting another pointless promotion. Most people would find this unfulfilling, boring or pointless. I, on the other hand, prefer to view it as free video game time.
   My briefcase ties into all of this in that the damn thing holds all my video games that I play at work. Without it, I'd have to resort to work, the likes of which should never be seen by human eyes. (Or at least, not mine.)
   I continued my search around the bus in hopes of finding some evidence of the thief or stolen games. Then, I saw her.
   Her iridescent locks cascaded around her shoulders like a cataract in a long-forgotten grove populated by coquettish nymphs and lecherous satyrs. Her eyes eminated a radiance unparalleled by most main sequence stars. Her form seemed forged from the pure fire of Vulcan and tempered, melded and perfected by the infinite abilities of afforementioned blacksmith.
   "Damn that bitch fine," a gentleman behind me remarked. Yes, she was indeed one fine bitch.



Offline Damned_Zombie

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2006, 11:04:40 pm »
Awesome work. Sort of reminds me of Douglas Adams.

Offline Tesla

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2006, 08:02:56 am »
Thats exactly what I was thinking. And I like Douglas Adams. :)
No way dude, you're trolling me.

Offline Aegis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2006, 10:13:41 am »
It's pretty funny, and I like the writing style.
Wait, you're telling me Radiosity isn't the graphical simulation of a nuclear bomb?

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Offline PHI-1618

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2006, 07:48:38 am »
Meanwhile, my bathroom was filling with water from the shower, which I had neglected to turn off as I fell unconscious. I woke up with a terrible headache and some water in my lungs, but luckily I was alive. I even had the presence of mind to shut off the shower and get some towels on the floor to soak up the mess.

Okay. It might be different for everyone, but I'm pretty sure I could leave my shower going for days and never fill the tub with water.

Otherwise, it's quite good.

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2006, 10:08:01 am »
Well, if everyone else likes it, I guess I'm gonna have to read it too. I'll let you know when I finish.

This book takes a turn for the weird really quick. What city is this set in?
« Last Edit: July 03, 2006, 10:15:47 am by 762 »

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Offline huggkruka

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2006, 10:37:38 am »
Reminds me more of "A confederancy of Dunces". Don't die when you're done, please!

Offline Kenaz

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2006, 02:25:54 pm »
Great work, I like the writing style.
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Offline OrdoSanguis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2006, 10:57:50 pm »
Hey that was pretty good, I'd like it if more were put up here. It is pretty funny, and the writing style is nice too.
Guess I just repeated what everyone else said  :P

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2006, 07:34:51 am »
Hey that was pretty good, I'd like it if more were put up here. It is pretty funny, and the writing style is nice too.
Guess I just repeated what everyone else said  :P

You know what he'd like? If 10% of his book weren't in the public domain.

Just sayin'.

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Offline OrdoSanguis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2006, 12:58:11 pm »
Hey, it doesn't hurt to ask, does it?

Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2006, 02:04:55 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything. The work I've done on it so far (about 20 chapters roughly that length) is only a small portion of the book, but I think I'm going to divide it up into a few, with prequels for each main character.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2006, 04:04:19 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything. The work I've done on it so far (about 20 chapters roughly that length) is only a small portion of the book, but I think I'm going to divide it up into a few, with prequels for each main character.
Already milking the series for all it's worth eh?
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2006, 04:13:40 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything.

Or before it's done being written.

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Offline Genesis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2006, 07:36:15 pm »
Nice, also yes, if you want to make revisions for example you would have a hard time if ten chapters were already released for example.

What will you do?

Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2006, 07:54:57 pm »
Yes, and I do know for a fact that some chapters are going to be expanded on greatly.

Offline PHI-1618

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #16 on: July 06, 2006, 08:39:09 am »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything. The work I've done on it so far (about 20 chapters roughly that length) is only a small portion of the book, but I think I'm going to divide it up into a few, with prequels for each main character.
Already milking the series for all it's worth eh?

Maybe he's the next Terry Pratchett. So it might be a good thing. :) Still, the shower thing ... am I the only person slightly bothered by the shower thing?

Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #17 on: July 06, 2006, 11:40:13 am »
No, a few people are. I need to disambiguate it some.

Offline Daxx

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2006, 03:38:19 pm »
You shouldn't really have posted that first chapter here. You're jeopardising your ability to sell your first publish rights, especially if most of the chapters are about that length.

Offline Genesis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2006, 07:35:15 pm »
All he has to do is change a few things in it and it shouldnt be any problem.

What will you do?

Offline PHI-1618

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2006, 09:50:19 pm »
All he has to do is change a few things in it and it shouldnt be any problem.

He's supposedly changing the Shower Paradox Problem. ;)

Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2006, 07:30:27 pm »
I don't think it really matters if I post it. A lot of authors get feedback about what they've written. If a publisher has a problem then they can kick themselves in the ass when I publish it with somebody else.

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #22 on: July 28, 2006, 01:25:14 am »
I don't think it really matters if I post it. A lot of authors get feedback about what they've written. If a publisher has a problem then they can kick themselves in the ass when I publish it with somebody else.
Good Plan.

Can i ask how you actaully get stuff published?Email the manuscript to the publisher? I've only had a poem published and that was through a competetion.
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Offline Daxx

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #23 on: July 28, 2006, 05:49:49 am »
Can i ask how you actaully get stuff published?Email the manuscript to the publisher? I've only had a poem published and that was through a competetion.

Your best bet is to find an agent. Seriously. They do all the legwork for you.

If you're going to do it the difficult way, you send a hard-copy to publishers for review. I don't know any publishers who accept email submissions, and even if they do I would assume sending it in MSWord format is likely to get it deleted straight away. You've also got to pick your publishers right and send them appropriate stuff, or they'll bin it without reading it.

Or you can self-publish, which is even harder and I doubt you're going to do that unless you already know what you're doing, so I won't bother explaining it.

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #24 on: July 28, 2006, 06:42:58 am »
Thanks Daxx. I'm pretty sure i can't afford an agent...

Hard-copy=on paper, right?
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." - Oscar Wilde

Yes, I am aware of the irony.

Offline Daxx

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #25 on: July 28, 2006, 07:10:56 am »

Offline Naronto

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #26 on: August 27, 2006, 03:16:17 pm »
The title is a wee bit iffy, however your writing style is flowing and I enjoy it.
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Offline PHI-1618

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #27 on: August 28, 2006, 09:35:44 am »
Thanks Daxx. I'm pretty sure i can't afford an agent...

Your agent only gets paid if you sell a manuscript. He or she is granted a certain percentage of the money you make. So it's in their best interests to find clients they believe in and promote the bejeezus out of them. Trust me: My agent hasn't gotten any money from my work in a while.

Which is why he hates me now. :)

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #28 on: December 02, 2006, 07:17:08 pm »
How's it coming?

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Offline Tesla

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #29 on: December 03, 2006, 02:12:17 am »
Thanks Daxx. I'm pretty sure i can't afford an agent...

Your agent only gets paid if you sell a manuscript. He or she is granted a certain percentage of the money you make. So it's in their best interests to find clients they believe in and promote the bejeezus out of them. Trust me: My agent hasn't gotten any money from my work in a while.

Which is why he hates me now. :)

Although some of them charge a small fee for even considering you.
No way dude, you're trolling me.

Offline Daxx

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2006, 05:16:49 am »
Thanks Daxx. I'm pretty sure i can't afford an agent...

Your agent only gets paid if you sell a manuscript. He or she is granted a certain percentage of the money you make. So it's in their best interests to find clients they believe in and promote the bejeezus out of them. Trust me: My agent hasn't gotten any money from my work in a while.

Which is why he hates me now. :)

Although some of them charge a small fee for even considering you.

Those are ones to avoid. No reputable agent would charge you an initial fee - the ones that do are basically the ones who aren't confident in their ability to actually publish anything good, and so just make their money from submissions.

Offline Cool AN

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2006, 06:50:28 am »
Seems rather good. Keep it up.

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Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #32 on: December 25, 2006, 08:02:32 pm »
Since I first posted, this has grown into something that can only be described as a monstrosity. I've divided it into 2 books now and I'm not even 10% done... plus I still am going to go back and add more to various chapters. Oh well.

Offline Pando

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2007, 08:34:33 am »
I thought the first chapter was really good and that the rest of the book has a lot of potential.  :)

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #34 on: September 10, 2007, 12:14:14 pm »
Ok, I'm gonna start a book.

It's vaguley based around a character like  me, failing life and becoming a Data Input Supervisor. You see, I saw a picture and wrote a short story, which was pretty surreal about a Data Input's Supervisor's commute to work. He has massive delusions of granduer like me, yet uis forced into a repetetive, boring life form whcih there is no rebellion. He tries to be moralistic and take teh higher-ground on issues but can't. He hates popular, professional, attractive people but wishes he could be one. It would follow him slow slide into the 'evils' of depressions and going a little crazy.

The first, 'Inspired draft' short story is here:

I am sat on a Park Bench, killing time. An inspiring epitaph for our civilization for the future; most cultures used time or kept time; we killed it. I sit on a cold bench, occasionally looking at a nearby group of giggling, gaggling girls, hoping they'll look over, knowing they won't. I shouldn't lower myself to it, but I am a man first and an intellectual anarchist second. Yes, that’s me, Intellectual Anarchist. Sounds pretty important, and it is. I am outside the system, free. I stare idly at my watch, and realize my duty comes near: the Daily Commute is about to begin!

I leave the idiotic proles to their leisure time, glancing idly at the giggling, gaggling girls hoping they're looking over, knowing they aren't. Onwards to my car, leaving the utterly pointless park to begin my utterly pointless commute which in turn leads to an utterly pointless job in which I change the world.

Ride your solitary car, creep across the gravel. Re-enforce you're insecure masculinity and drive HARD and FAST. Stare over at the woman in the car next to yours hoping she is looking over, knowing she isn't. Soon I too shall become a master of the sagely art of buying off-the-rack suits that look tailored, and on that day, I shall be a King. The road continues. I hold my consumer goods high and proud, deriving what meagre personality I can from my precise selection. Forwards, friends, forwards. Try your very best not to think about the dirty act of HAIL ERIS reproduction, and instead concentrate on a happy life of WATCHING THE GAME. Forget the complex political issues of your time, and instead decide which identical Football Team is indisputably better! Your vote doesn't matter. People who care are crazy. You know how the world works in your safe four walls, and safe is where you like to be. Look at the girls in the neighboring car, praying they'll look over, accepting they won't. Dream of having the glamorous life of the handsome and rich. Dream of being a wastrel prince of the modern day. The anarchistic dreams of your youth were a foolish by-product of Lack of retail therapy, and maturity has made your free slave an indentured worker. Eat your food and don't think about what it's doing to you because our marketing is good. Fear what you are told to fear, THEY must be right. People who disagree with you are insane, because you are sane. Grey is an illusion caused by under zealous white. Fanaticism is wrong. Religion is a weekend only pastime. You will like what we say is attractive. Don't go against the tide. Those who go against the tide drown.

Arrive at work. I am Data Input Supervisor, hear me roar! Dream about your receptionist's tight fitting skirt. Wonder grimly what you actually achieve in life. Contemplate the shotgun. Contemplate the razor. Contemplate the overdose, the rope, the fall, the quiet death in your sleep. Don't think about it: Depression should be kept away. Depressions is weakness in a world where happiness is only a daydream and a sweaty, undignified climax in a public bathroom away. Look once more at your secretary, hoping she'll look over, knowing she won't. Force small talk and settle down to letting paranoia be your only passion. Good morning Lemmings. We're doing all we can over here as well.



We'll see how it goes. It's difficult to communicate what I am aiming for, but we'll see how it goes.
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Yes, I am aware of the irony.

Offline Little

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #35 on: September 10, 2007, 04:19:21 pm »
It's actually pretty damn good in my opinion.
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Offline russellmania4

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #36 on: September 10, 2007, 07:32:55 pm »
I like it. A lot.

You seem really talented! I love your style. It's very refreshing.

Keep at it!
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Offline Tesla

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2007, 09:29:18 am »
Keep at it. It was good.
No way dude, you're trolling me.

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #38 on: September 11, 2007, 12:46:25 pm »
Thanks, it means a lot. I'm working on a few ideas for a rough plot and the like.

Also, sorry to Syphonbyte for hijacking his topic.....how goes your book of mammoth proportions?
« Last Edit: September 11, 2007, 12:53:43 pm by Mr. Consideration »
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Offline operaghost21

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #39 on: September 11, 2007, 04:39:00 pm »
very nice so far
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Offline /lurk

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #40 on: September 12, 2007, 04:24:59 pm »
"Reinforce your insecure masculinity and correct the grammar of other people's manuscript samples."

What you really need before you start is a good plan. Make sure you really, firmly know how things are going to go down before you start, or you might end up writing yourself into a trap or, worse, getting sick of it halfway through. Since this book seems to be heavy on one character's introspection, make sure that your Data Input Supervisor is someone that people will actually like, or no-one will want to listen to him.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think writing a book is something I'd be able to do.
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Offline Cool AN

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #41 on: September 12, 2007, 11:21:39 pm »

Anyway, good luck. I don't think writing a book is something I'd be able to do.

BUT I WANT A /lurk BOOK.

Anyway, I haven't had to time to read Mr. Consideration text yet though I really want to. I am trying to write some small pieces myself though not novel sized, yet.

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Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #42 on: September 13, 2007, 10:29:38 am »
"Reinforce your insecure masculinity and correct the grammar of other people's manuscript samples."

What you really need before you start is a good plan. Make sure you really, firmly know how things are going to go down before you start, or you might end up writing yourself into a trap or, worse, getting sick of it halfway through. Since this book seems to be heavy on one character's introspection, make sure that your Data Input Supervisor is someone that people will actually like, or no-one will want to listen to him.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think writing a book is something I'd be able to do.

Hence me waiting a few weeks or even months until I can has out a more intricate plot. I imagine people will both like and dislike him, the important bit is them being fascinated by him, at the risk of sounding arrogant.


EDIT: Yawn, old ideas. I've been writing prolifically latley, and I was wondering if anyone could reccomend a magazine, or the means to find a magazine, or some other means of trying to get some short pieces published. I've written a lot of short, generally two sides or less pieces, and they've been very, very well recieved (By The Director of Education in York, no less.) and I'd love to take it a little further.

I might even share some of them.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2008, 12:06:54 pm by Mr. Consideration »
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." - Oscar Wilde

Yes, I am aware of the irony.