Author Topic: I am writing a book  (Read 14351 times)

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Offline syphonbyte

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I am writing a book
« on: July 01, 2006, 09:53:09 pm »
The current working title is: "The Day I Found a Jew in My Attic"

I won't even try to explain it, I'll just post the first chapter for your reading pleasure. Remember that when this book comes out, what you are about to read will be worth millions of dollars in gold bullion and traveller's checks. Note: there is probably offensive language and stuff in here. Don't read if you're under 18 or something I guess.

Chapter 1

   I woke up one morning to the sound of screeching tires. I jumped to my feet and looked out the window to see a red pickup speeding away.
   "I guess he's late for work," I muttered as I went to take a shower.
   It was a fine morning. The dew on the grass caused the lawns around the neighborhood to shimmer in the morning sun. Slowly, the dew evaporated as the heat of the morning set in, which (for the time being) is totally irrelevant. The forecast was rain, unfortunately, but that was nothing my umbrella wasn't prepared for. I did wonder how the Spring Parade on Main Street would handle the rain, though.
   Halfway through my shower I remembered that I was the proud owner of a red pickup.
   Well... *$#%. I rushed out of the shower and immediately slipped. For three hours, I sat unconscious on the bathroom floor. The storm gathered overhead and cast a threatening (metaphorical) gaze on the Spring Parade.
   Meanwhile, my bathroom was filling with water from the shower, which I had neglected to turn off as I fell unconscious. I woke up with a terrible headache and some water in my lungs, but luckily I was alive. I even had the presence of mind to shut off the shower and get some towels on the floor to soak up the mess.
   "Well, at least there's no permanent damage," I thought as the toilet settled down into a comfortable spot on the floor.
   Moments later, my bathroom had been relocated to the kitchen downstairs. "This Old House" would be envious.
   That morning on the city bus, I thought about my many bus rides to school in my earlier years. I thought about how I never managed to stay awake on those long, boring rides. The city bus was no exception, and when I woke up, my briefcase was gone.
   "My briefcase! Where is it?" I shouted as I looked around the bus.
   The only offering of aid came from an old woman who smugly told me that somebody had stolen my briefcase.
   I suppose I should elaborate. My briefcase is an extremely important item. I work at a large indiscernable company in a somewhat important indiscernable job, which basically means that I play video games on my computer all day and then give presentations based on the work of my subordinates, then get congratulated by my superiors and play a few rounds of golf with them in hopes of getting another pointless promotion. Most people would find this unfulfilling, boring or pointless. I, on the other hand, prefer to view it as free video game time.
   My briefcase ties into all of this in that the damn thing holds all my video games that I play at work. Without it, I'd have to resort to work, the likes of which should never be seen by human eyes. (Or at least, not mine.)
   I continued my search around the bus in hopes of finding some evidence of the thief or stolen games. Then, I saw her.
   Her iridescent locks cascaded around her shoulders like a cataract in a long-forgotten grove populated by coquettish nymphs and lecherous satyrs. Her eyes eminated a radiance unparalleled by most main sequence stars. Her form seemed forged from the pure fire of Vulcan and tempered, melded and perfected by the infinite abilities of afforementioned blacksmith.
   "Damn that bitch fine," a gentleman behind me remarked. Yes, she was indeed one fine bitch.



Offline Damned_Zombie

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2006, 11:04:40 pm »
Awesome work. Sort of reminds me of Douglas Adams.

Offline Tesla

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2006, 08:02:56 am »
Thats exactly what I was thinking. And I like Douglas Adams. :)
No way dude, you're trolling me.

Offline Aegis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2006, 10:13:41 am »
It's pretty funny, and I like the writing style.
Wait, you're telling me Radiosity isn't the graphical simulation of a nuclear bomb?

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Offline PHI-1618

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2006, 07:48:38 am »
Meanwhile, my bathroom was filling with water from the shower, which I had neglected to turn off as I fell unconscious. I woke up with a terrible headache and some water in my lungs, but luckily I was alive. I even had the presence of mind to shut off the shower and get some towels on the floor to soak up the mess.

Okay. It might be different for everyone, but I'm pretty sure I could leave my shower going for days and never fill the tub with water.

Otherwise, it's quite good.

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2006, 10:08:01 am »
Well, if everyone else likes it, I guess I'm gonna have to read it too. I'll let you know when I finish.

This book takes a turn for the weird really quick. What city is this set in?
« Last Edit: July 03, 2006, 10:15:47 am by 762 »

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Offline huggkruka

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2006, 10:37:38 am »
Reminds me more of "A confederancy of Dunces". Don't die when you're done, please!

Offline Kenaz

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2006, 02:25:54 pm »
Great work, I like the writing style.
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Offline OrdoSanguis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2006, 10:57:50 pm »
Hey that was pretty good, I'd like it if more were put up here. It is pretty funny, and the writing style is nice too.
Guess I just repeated what everyone else said  :P

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2006, 07:34:51 am »
Hey that was pretty good, I'd like it if more were put up here. It is pretty funny, and the writing style is nice too.
Guess I just repeated what everyone else said  :P

You know what he'd like? If 10% of his book weren't in the public domain.

Just sayin'.

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Offline OrdoSanguis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2006, 12:58:11 pm »
Hey, it doesn't hurt to ask, does it?

Offline syphonbyte

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2006, 02:04:55 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything. The work I've done on it so far (about 20 chapters roughly that length) is only a small portion of the book, but I think I'm going to divide it up into a few, with prequels for each main character.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2006, 04:04:19 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything. The work I've done on it so far (about 20 chapters roughly that length) is only a small portion of the book, but I think I'm going to divide it up into a few, with prequels for each main character.
Already milking the series for all it's worth eh?
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline 762

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2006, 04:13:40 pm »
I could put up more. I just don't want to give away the whole book before it's published or anything.

Or before it's done being written.

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Offline Genesis

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Re: I am writing a book
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2006, 07:36:15 pm »
Nice, also yes, if you want to make revisions for example you would have a hard time if ten chapters were already released for example.

What will you do?