Author Topic: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!  (Read 3453 times)

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Offline Madchat18

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ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« on: May 31, 2006, 04:53:26 pm »
I wrote a letter to my girlfriend and I would like to know if there is anything that you guys would change around order or word wise. Also, if you think it's cheesy and pathetic let me know.

You are at church right now, probably listening to music being sang by your choir or singing God's praises with your peers. You are smiling, eye's bright, hair looking like sunlight on an oak tree. You are wearing a camo t-shirt and blue jeans with adoreable and well broken-in Chucks feeling slightly sexy.

I am sitting at home, alone, listening to Silverchair tell me how much he misses his love and I agree. I am wearing shorts and a black shirt, wrapped in a black, velvety blanket because I am too lazy or maybe afraid of turning off the air conditioner for fear that it will just get hot again as soon as I sit back down. Truer words were never spoken in the Louisiana heat.

As I listen to the music coming from my speakers, trying to fade out and just sit, my mind keeps coming back to your face, your laugh, your smile and your gentle touch. You mean the world to me and I want nothing more than to be standing beside you, feeling the wind off your hands as you clap or smelling your hair as you turn ever so slightly with the music.

Rachel, I don't think you know how much you mean to me. I can honestly tell you that I have never known anyone like you, never been so enthralled with anyone at all. You are beautiful, sweet, goofy, sexy, smart, mature, caring, giving, trusting, adorable, wonderful, spontanious, random, and amazing.

Even with all of these great things you have going for you, I see something deeper still. I see a wise and knowing yet slightly afraid and insecure being behind your big, brown eyes. When I see this I want to hold you in my arms, kiss you, and let you know that everything is a-ok. I am here for you, will protect you,  hold you, kiss you, and I definatly will love you for who you are and how you make me feel.

I miss you so much Rachel. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for letting me know that I am a sweet and caring person. Thank you for laughing at my stupid jokes, not cringing when I sing, and never putting me down. Thank you for being yourself, sharing your true feelings with me and watching the sun come up on Banks County High School's football field. I think it was the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen, the most beautiful one ever as far as I am concerned.

Lastly, thank you for praying for me as you most likely be doing in a few minutes, depending on if your preacher is feeling a little more Southern Baptist than usual.

With very much care and unending gratitude,

Ricky

*Edited*
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 06:59:24 pm by Madchat18 »


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Offline ibvibkib

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Re: Females: Help please!
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2006, 06:08:40 pm »
Beautiful, it makes my heart feel warm when I hear of two people in love.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 07:23:37 pm by ibvibkib »

Offline Madchat18

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2006, 07:02:22 pm »
Thanks, I really appreciate the kind words!

It's a crazy situation here. I've known this girl since she was 6 and I was 10. She has always been my little sister's best friend. When I went home for the first time in several years I met her again and couldn't believe that the little kid I used to make pb&j's for grew into the beautiful woman she is now. She's 18 and I'm 22 now.
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Offline Vivec

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2006, 07:54:22 pm »
Well, you said something about the sun coming up, and then called it a sunset. Is that a problem?
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Offline LadyM

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2006, 07:54:38 pm »
Anything written from the heart is good. I wouldn't change anything. If its changed then it's not from you.

Offline Madchat18

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2006, 08:00:05 pm »
Well, you said something about the sun coming up, and then called it a sunset. Is that a problem?

Vivec, your attention to detail is ASTOUNDING and very appreciated! Now if I could just lose my environmental dyslexia I'd be set!
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Offline Lambsquirter

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2006, 08:15:18 pm »
hey thats a great letter, i have never written a letter to my girlfriend ...doh
Did you know Silverchair are a good ol' Aussie band! (well they aren't around anymore, but they are great nonetheless)
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Offline Madchat18

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2006, 08:25:03 pm »
hey thats a great letter, i have never written a letter to my girlfriend ...doh
Did you know Silverchair are a good ol' Aussie band! (well they aren't around anymore, but they are great nonetheless)

Silverchair were great! "Miss you love" was the song I was refering to in the letter and I really was listening to it while writing.

Lamb, you really should try writing a letter to her. I found that when I am getting discouraged I just start writing and I feel so much better.

Well, she just read the letter and sent me the sweetest picture of herself. She's all teary eye'd, melting my heart.
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Offline Calqhoon

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2006, 03:50:09 am »
I'd change Silverchair to Daniel Johns (that's his name right? Been a few years since I listened to them), but it's your call :)

I'm sure she'll love the letter.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2006, 04:08:57 am »
Slipping a wad of cash or a diamond the size of a pigeon egg into the envelope probably wouldnt hurt either  ;)
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Daxx

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2006, 05:32:42 am »
I wrote a letter to my girlfriend and I would like to know if there is anything that you guys would change around order or word wise. Also, if you think it's cheesy and pathetic let me know.

You are at church right now, probably listening to music being sang by your choir or singing God's praises with your peers. You are smiling, eyes bright, hair looking like sunlight on an oak tree. You are wearing a camo t-shirt and blue jeans with adorable and well broken-in Chucks, feeling slightly sexy.

I am sitting at home, alone, listening to Silverchair tell me how much he misses his love and I agree. I am wearing shorts and a black shirt, wrapped in a black, velvety blanket because I am too lazy or maybe afraid of turning off the air conditioner for fear that it will just get hot again as soon as I sit back down. Truer words were never spoken in the Louisiana heat.

As I listen to the music coming from my speakers, trying to fade out and just sit, my mind keeps coming back to your face, your laugh, your smile and your gentle touch. You mean the world to me and I want nothing more than to be standing beside you, feeling the wind off your hands as you clap or smelling your hair as you turn ever so slightly with the music.

Rachel, I don't think you know how much you mean to me. I can honestly tell you that I have never known anyone like you, never been so enthralled with anyone at all. You are beautiful, sweet, goofy, sexy, smart, mature, caring, giving, trusting, adorable, wonderful, spontaneous, random, and amazing.

Even with all of these great things you have going for you, I see something deeper still. I see a wise and knowing yet slightly afraid and insecure being behind your big, brown eyes. When I see this I want to hold you in my arms, kiss you, and let you know that everything is a-ok. I am here for you, will protect you,  hold you, kiss you, and I definatly will love you for who you are and how you make me feel.

I miss you so much Rachel. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for letting me know that I am a sweet and caring person. Thank you for laughing at my stupid jokes, not cringing when I sing, and never putting me down. Thank you for being yourself, sharing your true feelings with me and watching the sun come up on Banks County High School's football field. I think it was the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen, the most beautiful one ever as far as I am concerned.

Lastly, thank you for praying for me as you most likely be doing in a few minutes, depending on if your preacher is feeling a little more Southern Baptist than usual.

With very much care and unending gratitude,

Ricky

*Edited*

Okay, I edited for spelling and punctuation (also corrected the sunset thing - I assumed it was an actual sunset).

Eh - so sue me. I can't turn off my internal editor.

Edit: Changed sunset to sunrise.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2006, 06:55:09 am by Daxx »

Offline Madchat18

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2006, 06:34:25 am »
Daxx, thanks buddy!

It was actually a sunrise. We went to Taco Bell at 1am and then traveled down to the football field. At first we sat in the parking lot until she wanted to get out and walk around a bit. It was dark with the occasional heat lightning illuminating the deer that wandered close to the tree line. They looked like spirits so much that I had to blink several times to see if they would disappear.

We found a fence that someone left open near the treeline in the back of the the field and walked in. The sprinklers had dampened the black field so laying down to watch the stars fluttered away in the night and we decided to just sit in the bleachers. We spoke of life, ate, got a little closer to a heart attack or obesity I'm sure, but we were happy, and that's okay.

Several hours had passed us by when we noticed it wasn't quite as dark as it should've been and the sentinals of the treeline had faded into the trees. A few minutes later the brith of a new day met two kids sitting with dumb legs and sore backsides on the stone bleachers of a tiny school in Northeast Georgia. That was the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen.

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Offline PHI-1618

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2006, 06:44:12 am »
I think it's a wonderful letter. Very heartfelt and personal. I don't see any need to change it beyond the basic typos and such, which Daxx did for you.

And congratulations on finding someone so special that you'd devote time to putting a letter of this intimacy together on their behalf. :)

Offline Calqhoon

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2006, 08:58:02 am »
I bought my GF a Lego man :)

Offline Vivec

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Re: ATTN Anyone: Writing Help Please!
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2006, 07:33:13 pm »
Wait, so is this some girl you just recently started going out with?

It was you who made the "Just got shot down..." topic, right?
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