Author Topic: Anyone have any advice?...  (Read 10220 times)

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Offline Areku

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Anyone have any advice?...
« on: March 23, 2006, 08:31:47 pm »
It was a sad day today, I met with my girlfriend after she got home, I was waiting at her bus stop as a surprise. I had a weird vibe, but she asked if i wanted to do anything tonight or if I was busy. The first sign was her saying that it couldn't be a public place, and that she would meet me there(rather than me picking her up). So I await 7 PM and get to the park where she is waiting. We hug each other, then she says we should go sit in the back of my car. Then she does it.....she says she can't see me anymore. We both cried and spent hours talking. I was obviously had to give it a shot to trya and make things right by saying we could work past it, but to no avail. She said she just didn't feel anything, she didn't love me in a relationship way. After 15 months, we broke up. I was devestated. Well to skip the other stuff, I still have strong feelings for her, and we are goin to try and remain friends.....any adive, please post anything you may want to say or anything that could help me get through this, such as what to do with pictures of her, her gifts etc... thanks so much



Offline MrFrenik

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2006, 10:18:01 pm »
I still have strong feelings for her, and we are goin to try and remain friends

I'm going to be direct with you because you asked for some advice - at this point, with you feeling like you do, you two can't be friends.  15 months is a long time, by the way;  did you ever see any indication that she might be considering calling things off with you?
« Last Edit: March 23, 2006, 10:23:54 pm by MrFrenik »
*insert something deep*

Offline Kaze

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2006, 11:30:25 pm »
To remain friends after a relationship the breakup tends to need to be mutual, and even when that criteria is met, it is still difficult. Unless you are completely over her, being friends with her will be detremental to your well being. You may feel like you should be her friend, because she wants you to be, but that is just your affection for her twisting your desire.

I would recommend saving the pictures and gifts, at least some of them. Perhaps you should put them away somewhere for now, but you are young (according to your profile); someday you will look back, remember your relationship with her and smile. At that point you'll be glad you saved these things.

As for getting over her in general, that just takes time. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends about it and get your feelings out, or do whatever it is you do to process your emotions; just don't be mopey All the time, as that can annoy even the best of friends. Beyond this, simply try not to dwell on it nor over-analyze things, to do so will serve no purpose; your thoughts cannot change what has already come to pass. Instead, focus on the future. Being single does not come without its perks, and when you've moved on enough, you can begin to focus on other girls.

That's all from me I guess. I posess a plethora of relationship experience, but when it comes to serious, lasting relationships, I'm as clueless as anyone. Considering this, you ought to take my words with a grain of salt.

Offline LadyM

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2006, 05:55:00 am »
I'm sorry to hear that. You are lucky in the fact that she actually told you the truth rather than just stopped talking to you and make you wonder what happened. She seems to care about your feelings and didn't want to hurt you more than she did. You will continue to have strong feelings for awhile so give yourself some time. Put all the the notes, cards and memories in a box and store it. Don't throw it away, you might want to go through it later when you are feeling better and make a better decision about it. It will be very hard right now to remain close friends. It's not impossible but its difficult at best. It would be better for you to not have contact with her for awhile until you are not feeling so down.  If you stay friends now, it will hurt you more each time you see her or she does things without you. Spare yourself the pain. It is much easier to be friends later down the road.

The important thing to remember is that you will get over this in time and it might take a year. You will find another girl and you might find that you are more into her than the first one. Look at it as a life experience, take what you learned from this one and the good things that came out of it and apply it to your life.  There is always the possibility that in time you both will find your way back to each other but don't wait for it. Keep yourself busy and don't dwell on it. Finally, you have to remember that you cannot change someone else or how they feel, you can only change yourself and how you deal with it.

Offline MrFrenik

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2006, 08:49:29 am »
I just recently got out of the same situation that you are in.  My girlfriend of about 10 months ended it with me on the day of our high school graduation (talk about timing).  After that we agreed to stay "friends", but it was very difficult on both of us to not be romantic with each other.  It got very confusing, emotionally draining, and eventually after a few fights we just stopped talking.  It was a very difficult and possibly damaging way to take time from each other, but it was a good thing that it happened.  We should have stopped communicating from the very beginning of the break up. This was about 6 months ago and I'm now just starting to feel as if I'm really getting over her.  I have classes with her and the communication between us is unaffected by hidden meanings and hurt feelings.  Because of that break, it feels as if it's all in the past and I can look back at memories that I had with her and feel both goofy about some of the things I did and very nostalgic about my life.  LadyM is right, these things are all an experience that we all go through, even your ex.  Don't look at her as being your last opportunity for love.  And don't look at this as her last opportunity either.  You both weren't the best "fit" for each other at this moment but that doesnt' mean that nothing else will fit either.  You're both young and both changing, and the best thing for you to do is to learn to accept that your love doesn't ever end with a relationship.  People will come in and out of your life, things will constantly change, but what can be constant is your love for yourself and others. 

What helped me get through some things was definitely taking time away from her (including any communicating online, phone, etc.), spending time with close friends that I might have neglected while I was with her, and reading a lot of various books and articles over the subject (much like you're doing now).  The reason this thing hurts is because you've associated yourself with this girl and now that she's gone, you're completely confused about how to define yourself.  Think about what you would have been doing had you not been in a relationship all this time and DO THOSE THINGS.  Completely change your routines for a while and then you'll be able to get accustomed to that, meanwhile growing farther away from your old routine and any hurt that's associated with it.

For any reading, I suggest looking at some modern books on Bhuddism.  The great thing about these books is that even if you're not a "spiritual person", the teachings are certainly practical and appliable to what you're going through. 
*insert something deep*

Offline Areku

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2006, 09:09:54 am »
Thanks guys. I really appreciata all the hlp you have given. I just woke up today after a long night's sleep, and I guess its just now sinking in that I won't be doing the things I usually do anymore. MrFrenik is right though, I did tend to neglect my friends when with her and I sort of deifned myself as "the guy going out with that girl". SO it is really confusing and difficult to try and figure out what to do now. I'm going to take everyones advice and call some friends today and hopefully get a chance to see some of them.

As far as the staying friends thing goes, I can definetly understand the points you made. It will be difficult to keep a friendship knowing I still have feelings for her, and she doesnt have the same ones for me. It is sad, because we were friends for a while before we started dating too. So, I think your right, I won't be mean about it or anything, but I do think at the very least I should try and distance myself from her until I can at least come to terms with this.

I really dread the coming months, especially having to put up with school and work at the same time. I'll have to take some time to evaluate what I want from life now. I never did really think too much about it, but now I really have no choice since there really isn't anything I can do to put it off anymore  :P . Reliving last night in my head will be a hard thing to stop doing, as well as remembering how just a few days ago we were having a wonderful time together. It will be hard giving her up for good, especially since besides the whol breaking up thing, we did get along in many ways.

One of the worst things was when she told me how she had been thinking it about this for months. She said she was really torn up about it and had finally made the decision on this past wednesday. I guess that dang radio show host was right about girls knowing months in advance about these sort of things, and the guys being clueless. The main reason I think I didn't really spot a red flag till yesterday was because she always would seem tired or "blah" especially after a week in school. It was really difficult to hear her say she didn't love me (which proves me right, because after a date I would always say goodnight and I love you, though she would only say it back once or twice). Hearing her say that she only really loved me for about a week(ouch) and that week was when she was away from me. But I suppose it is for the best since she did not care aout me. It will just be hard, especially since it was such a long relationship and I cared for her so much, not to mention she was the quirkyest girl I had ever met...she would have been a great grilfriend had she you know, had that whole mutual love thing going on.

Thanks for helping again, I dread trying to get all her things together and putting them away. Even listening to the cd music she let me burn on my comp....damn. Especially since I'm wearing the robe she got me as well as sleeping under the blanket(i'm doing it because its just how I've been sleeping the last few months) so I'll be out a way to sleep...it will feel really weird. I will try and take your advice, so wish me luck and thanks for listening to my ranting.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2006, 09:11:28 am by Areku »

Offline MrFrenik

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2006, 11:55:47 am »
It sounds like you're going to try and take it very rationally and calmly, which I admire.  Be sure to cry a bit - a lot, actually.  Feeling sad is a part of discovering who you are outside of a relationship.  And you're right, if she only loved you for a week, it's much better off.  My ex and I were good friends before we got together, also, so I know where you're coming from.  When friends fall in love it can be the most incredible bond one can imagine.  But if they break it off, it can be a total wreck.  It'll be tough for a while, at least a month or so, but take the responsibility to mend yourself before talking with her again.  Like you said, keep your mind on friends, school, and work to get YOUR routine down.  Then once you've established yourself, talk with her.  It'll be very comforting to know that the friendship that you two had before all of this will still be there and maybe even better off.  She'll respect you for doing this and, even more importantly, you'll respect yourself.

Good luck, man
*insert something deep*

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2006, 02:26:24 pm »
My advice is to become deeply cynical and become a brilliant pill-popping diagnostician...

I dont have any serious advice. I'm sorry.
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Areku

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2006, 02:49:27 pm »
My advice is to become deeply cynical
Already have my friend....  :D   Thanks though, and to everyone else. Your advice and kind words help a lot.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2006, 12:22:23 am »
My advice is to become deeply cynical
Already have my friend....  :D   Thanks though, and to everyone else. Your advice and kind words help a lot.
See, thanking people and calling them friends makes me think you arent trying hard enough on the cynicism front :P
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Kaze

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2006, 12:27:31 am »
Krakow Sam is the worst excuse for a cynic ever. What a waste of oxygen.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2006, 12:31:42 am »
Krakow Sam is the worst excuse for a cynic ever. What a waste of oxygen.

That makes me very sad :'(

Uh, I mean... I dont care because everyone sucks!
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Kaze

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2006, 12:43:24 am »
Sorry, I was just trying to live up to your standards. I know you feel cut, deep down.

Offline Legodragonxp

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2006, 04:54:25 am »
My only advice, unless you live deep in the outback or in an igloo, relax. Kick back and realize that there are other poeple out there. If you feel like being mad for a while, go pick up and REO Speedwagon greatest hits CD and blast through it while playing a slow to medium paced destructive video game. Take out your frustrations on something other than your ex- and her friends.

Also, I don't know anything about the social circle, but try to drop the issue. Don't put your mutual friends in to the firing line. If they are put in a position to make choices, they'll probably drift away from one or both of you.

I was going to see what ages we are talking here, but in reality, that is totaly pointless. I've seen 40 year old women act they they are 14 and 50 year old guys act they they are 5.

I won't share any personal stories here, and I have a few whoppers, but remember this: M.A.N.D.Y.

My,
Another
Neurotic
Disappointment?
Yes!

That about sums up my life. :)

-Lego
« Last Edit: March 25, 2006, 04:57:29 am by Legodragonxp »

Offline Areku

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Re: Anyone have any advice?...
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2006, 01:28:54 pm »
I've had a couple days to really think about this, and I hate to say my rationality is declining. I mean it is very hard to understand and explain every little detail about us and how our relationship worked. At least her friend is mine as well and I have talked to her friend a few times to help things. I still think after seeing how things have played out that there is still a chance, I refuse to believe that it is over for good. I know I'm completely mad and I realize that this is a baaaad thing to do to myself, but I somehow have to believe in my heart that it still has a chance and that we can still work our problems out together. I find myself wanting to call her so badly and go to see her and try and work things out with her.

I do want to give her time though. She did end up calling me last night, I told her how much I still felt for her and that it is hard for me talking to her, so I would have to wait till things clear up. I know that was a matureish thing to do, but it isn't what I wanted to do AT ALL. I wanted to talk to her all night, I wanted to believe everything is still ok and that we still get along really well. Regardless though, I do still love her and deeply long to see her or hear her voice and talk things out with her... we told each other we would help each other out, and I desperatly want to, and I desperatly want to convince her it can still work, I am just scared though.... I still HAVE to believe it will all work out... I honestly couldn't accept it if I didn't have that hope.... I think I watch too many sitcoms and see how people get back together after realizing the mistake they made...I want that, and I'll be damned if it isn't possible....

That being said, I'm a complete wreck and very worried and feel alone. Do my beliefs have any chance? I can't even have myself to type that I may be wrong, I don't want to accept that. And I still really want to talk to her at the very least....I have to literally wokr hard at not calling her right now and going into everyhting I've though about. Forgive me for being over emotional and irrationality.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2006, 01:33:53 pm by Areku »