Topic: Must Write Bad Poetry

[Cyst]

For background, it's about the diagnosis I received about 3 years ago. A major personal disaster of mine was labeled a delusion. But I know it's true. I prevented an even bigger disaster.

I was busy fixing the disaster when its whole existence was called into question. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted help with fixing it. I did not want to hear it was not real.

But I know it is. I should not have let them interfere with my life. I knew what I needed to do before I was told it was wrong.

I should not have lost sight on what I know. I was on the right track there. I need to get back on track.

I was okay. And I need to get my old self back to get better. I knew what I was doing, and I should have never doubted myself.

<3 I feel that. I may not know exactly how you feel, or what happened, but, being a trans person, I am often told that I am... Delusional, insane, broken, that I should be put down, that I'm a freak, a monster, a predator, a lie.

If you want to talk about this, at all, send me a PM? I know I can't change your past, and I won't even pretend to try that, but I can offer an ear, a shoulder, a wall to bounce your thoughts off of. <3

Of course, I'm not a therapist, I'm just a lil trans girl nihilotranshumanist <3

Yeah, I mean - which part of huge gnawing secret did people not understand? That means I am not going to tell you. Inevitably someone is going to wonder what it is but I'm telling you. You don't want to know. I don't want you to know.

That's just sometimes how it goes. And I'm telling you it's fine.

When I say you won't understand, I mean it. You would have to live it to understand it. I also wrote 20 pages about it once. That might help you understand. Basically the explanation would have to be a small book. No one has time for that. But if I just blurt it out, it will come out wrong. We could no longer be friends, because I know you get the wrong idea.

So unless I intend to become a part-time novelist, you will never know. If you just heard the entire story, you'd understand. But you won't. An incomplete explanation would provide more misunderstandings than it solves. That is a risk that I cannot take.

I have time for that <3

[Cyst]

Separate post because poem:

Exhaustion
Words belted off the top of my head
A way to cope without control
A better solution than dread
I know I need a helping hand
But I don't know what it'd do
A lift just to help me stand
Or just a distraction

Exhausted
I spend my energy on emotional labor
Overcoming my past
Still, tied to unseen masters
I try
I do
I try to do
But I never seem able to
Stand
Lethargic

Sedation
I seek the
Tingle
Slow descent
Of numbness
But I can not find it
An addiction for the nation
Escape

Stuck
I stand in the middle of things I can't control
Expected to sell myself
To afford some petty toll
My identity
My face
My existence
My fate
Questioned for it's
Nonconformity, it's
Lack of brevity
For it's

Confused with no flow
Lost in a cold snap with no snow
I stand on the corner
Waiting to meet a stranger
Two in the morning
And despite my face
I feel no danger

[Krakow Sam]

This thread is the perfect balance of genuine angst and ironic ****posting.

The yin and yang are in harmony.

[Great Distance]

And so I go
With the flow
But the flow goes down
Into ground

And I float
On a waterfall
And I guess that's all

Maybe sometimes
You're meant die
You don't know why

But that's how you know it's gonna be alright

In the end
It will be gone

There comes a day
You can't go on

And with fear
You will hold on
But not for long

Is it too much
Will you let go
Is it too late
To move on

There was fear in your eyes I've never seen
Kept alive when you shouldn't have been

And when I fear, that's what I see
One day will be that fear is real

It is too late
It is too late now, father
It is too late
You can't go farther

It is too late
The mistake is done
And your life
Is over

And in a flash
It is all gone
All that could have should have
Been
Is no more

But the rest of us
We will
Move on

[Great Distance]

Just to clarify, I don't really care much if anyone reads these. Just writing them makes me feel better somehow. And it's nice to know they're recorded somewhere. Also I know KS only reads them because he's a mod and he has to.

It is a relief
It is a relief, oh
That your pain is over

And you,
You look like my father

And I love you but I know
You lie to me
I know you lie to me

And if I die
You won't cry for me

Like when my father died
I would count myself relieved

And if I died, it should be believed
You would be relieved

I know,
I know
You say what you say because you should
You're a proud woman who follows the rules

But it's a lie
It is a lie

You are merciless and cruel
Deep inside your eyes
I see no love resides

Let the weak swallow the earth
And the strong walk upon

But you I love
That cruelty
That I love

You are mean
Not trying to demean
But I would love me an evil queen

Ruling with an iron fist and suffering
I would still bow beneath with you as king

You would let me die and that is alright
At least you made sure I went with pride

I would march on the front row with you by my side
My evil queen, for you I die
For you I die

[Great Distance]

I looked for love
In desert, darkness and rust

I looked for love
In a grave
And in all that we have lost

I looked for love
In fearless eyes
And with lust

I looked for love
In hate and pain and agony
And that is what I received

But love was waiting for me
Right where I belonged

Home,
I went home

A place where I belonged

Home,
I went home

A place where I belonged
A place where I was loved

A place where I
Go
No more

[Great Distance]

You would not believe
How strange this life could be
Could be

Truths are lost
And what you wish to see

And when they're found
You don't wish to see
To see

A whole truth there
Could be
Could be

But that truth you
Would never see
Would see

Too complex to believe
Believe

Call them stories
Unrealities

Twenty sides to every tale
But only one you see

It's all the same
Complex reality

Twenty sides to every tale
But only one you see
But it's all the same
Complex reality

[Huckbuck]

Assemblage
ascended parts
sum to one
unending starts
from random
exploding down
hyper space
projection
crack in the Brahma
strings of intensity
from a point
to a tree
infinite geometry
ontology
fininte energy
flow in fractal vessels
entropy entropy
Transcend for me

[Krakow Sam]

Nice.

[Rysworld]

I had a dead tooth removed once
(The dentist stole it. Didn't get to keep it.)
It was grey, stinking, and broken
An incisor, right at the front
(It's still there I can feel it. My whole face rots now.)

My sternum's an angry toothache
(Dentist won't fix that one.)
It is grey, stinking, and broken
My pericardium is bone
(To protect my heart and to throttle it, in equal measure.)

Heart, Lung, Liver, Spleen, Kidney
Pericardium, Stomach, Small Intestine, Gallbladder, Bladder

[Great Distance]

Through all the haze and all the fog
I hear it screaming no

Pillows, canvas, luxuries
Beneath there's something wrong

Numb the pain, but pain is real
These fantasies are not

Choke the fear and choke the pain
But the pain goes on below

A fake haze of comforting
A fake sense of being loved
Offered in a bottle
But you know that is not love

I wanna feel
I wanna feel my sorrow
I wanna feel
I wanna feel no tomorrow

I wanna hate
And feel enraged
I wanna fight
I wanna slay

Choke my pain
Choke my rage
Choke my absolve
Won't resolve

I am at war
This is my fight
And I shall rise

Dim my light
But I
Ignite

[Great Distance]

I pierce through the night
When the trees are full of light

And so I avert my sight
From the darkest night

And so my sight
So my sight

Averts also light
And with all my might

I trod through tonight
Stop, stop, my dear, you said
But you don't know which way I strayed

[Rysworld]

The sun-cracked ground was cold and dark
On one cool western desert night
In a town a hundred miles away
From paved roads and electric lights

Outside the town there was a displaced boy
Of ruddy skin and darker mind
His tribe had overstepped, and their savage race
Afforded them little to nothing kind

He starved without those skinbound tents
His stomach carved in painful rents
Revolting on and onwards hence
It seemed to bade him wake one night

When rolling darkness came to him
He knew this was no Nanissáanah
Keen and ugly, frumped and prim
Its words seemed lodged inside his craw

As he reached into the black
His eggshell ken it pitched and yawed
Emotions through a degrading mind
Humbled, fearful, worried, awed
As his thoughts were rubbed and frayed to raw
His mind shattered like fine glass
All remains were platitudes-
Sarsparilla, sassafrass

High on rage and vengeance the boy
drew heads as he went past
Shyed from by every horse and ass
He strode with purpose new

The stripling went on into town
Sure he would not fail
His arms threw wide his head snapped back
And mouth-to-sky he wailed

The moon burst sticky-bright, into
Pustule greens-and-reds
The godling rose above the town,
Shining toes-to-heads
As piles formed of newly dead
And as moonspus streamed in ropy threads
Down that darkest sky into the sand

There was a reckoning there that day
By my reckoning, anyways
Through the bloody haze
And faint whispers of the moons foul rays
I can still remember some things,
The skin and bones of the drum-things
Beating on and on into the night
(there were no drummers)

But details remain elusive
Only in dreams is my mind loose-lipped
And so here have I roosted
Away from those I knew

A boy entered that town that day and
later I came out
With uncertain swagger in my step
And a new murderer's scowl

Now I live alone
I find myself more placid
Odd feelings for a man- once boy
Who ended a town in dark and in acid

[Rysworld]

the decree read thusly

Do NOT stop cannibalizing one another for parts.
Do NOT stop in your swarmish, fish-school movements.
Do NOT stop building the monuments.
Do NOT stop the American-Dream decline into mediocrity and noteless death.

This is our march. This is this young Adolf. This is the Temüjin. This is it.
Workless legs and workful asses, sarsparillas, sassafrasses.
What greatest minds? What hope? What now? What IS this?

Sex lost its slick, enticing sheen in 1998.

A mush-headed man asked me for a dollar.

( )

[Krakow Sam]

And on the pedestal these words appeared:
"Ye mighty hate him! This Pharoah built an eternal legacy using this ONE WEIRD TRICK"