Well, I guess it's strange I was so sure of my stance on this yesterday evening; I was completely assured I'd be getting stuff done because of my new-found philosophy and then I'd just work all day every day without a problem, but strangely today I was so exhausted ever since waking up that I hardly got anything done.
But it was just a momentarily lapse for sure. I'd forgotten to put on deodorant, so I felt kind of awkward. And then I drank too much coffee and too little water, so I was dehydrated. And then one of our teaching assistants told me I was doing pretty good on our assignment so far and I was getting stuff done, so I decided maybe I don't need to get so much stuff done today. And I'm moving this weekend (I may have said somewhere I had already moved, but that's actually when I got the keys to the new apartment but it's almost the same thing, and nobody cares anyway), so I had to arrange some of that stuff. Right after drinking lots and lots of water! And that actually made me feel better.
So today was not so great because I was feeling uncomfortable in my clothes and I was dehydrated. My belief is not shaken and I am not overworked.
Just curious, you don't happen to be enrolled in a poly-sci or philosophy class right now, are you?
Nah, I just spent some time reading a blog where some guy was interviewing old people for life advice and "work hard" was one piece of advice that was often mentioned. Some Cracked articles have also led me to think the same thing, and there was actually a study in which it was found that conscentious people lived longer. And then I read some Wikipedia articles.
A few weeks ago I also read some snippet about Buddhism about how life is suffering (though apparently that's not exactly the right word, but there is no correct English translation) and how not getting what you want causes suffering. And also getting what you don't want causes suffering. And so does getting what you do want eventually cause suffering, because you're going to lose that thing anyway. So my take on it is that you shouldn't really want anything, just do what you're supposed to do and be happy with the small positive surprises in life.
Anyway, it's not really all that simple, but yep, I believe I'm onto something here.
Rock on with your bad self, GD.
Also, keep alert. One of these days I'll be out there to visit you to see how things are going. You will be graded.
Wait, are you agreeing with me or disagreeing with me? Just for clarity, so I won't feel like an idiot the next time I talk to you
Are you having trouble coping with your study workload? I'm sure you're not the only one, and most if not all universities have mentors or study groups or the like that can help with that.
And forcing yourself to like stuff you don't, won't last long and will put a strain on you. It doesn't sound like it'd be a good idea.
Actually, the more I think about it, I always really liked this stuff! I'd just forced myself to believe that I don't, because I didn't want to like doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm defiant like that. I also thought going into graphic design would be the answer, but now I'm pretty sure there would be plenty people there as well, who do not like the same stuff as I and would want me to do my work differently. And then I'd once again be defiant and think "OK I DON'T LIKE MAGAZINE DESIGNS BUT ILLUSTRATION'S REALLY WHERE IT'S AT" and then when someone would ask me to use some illustration style I don't like I'd be like "OK WELL I DON'T DO CHILDREN'S ILLUSTRATIONS I ONLY DO FANTASY ILLUSTRATIONS" etc. And in the end I would only like doing such specific things that I would not earn a living that way.
And then I realised, a lot of the drawings I've done I did just because I thought that's what people would like to see. But I put something of my own in them. I put something I liked in them. And I can do the same in landscape architecture. Find out what people want from me, find some reason why I would like to do it and then do it.
This realisation was also precedented by the realisation that most times, when I truly do what I find enjoyable all the way through, the end result usually sucks. I've done some drawings I've enjoyed immensely but afterwards I find the only good thing about them was the process of doing them. The result, however, may not be much to look at. Sometimes I've written some essays I've really liked but the teacher really didn't. Whereas, when I suffer for my work, however bad the result may seem to me, other people will usually like it. I get better grades, etc.
For the first time in my life I hardly studied for an exam recently. And I actually found the whole process kind of fun. I didn't feel stressed out at all and just read the parts that seemed vaguely interesting, and mostly skimmed through. I didn't expect a great result, bull****ted my way through the exam, and I didn't even feel bad for doing such a bad job. In fact I felt pretty good! Booyah, look at me just passing this exam without any worries whatsoever. And pass I did. On a scale from 1 to 5 (five is the best) I got 2. And even that felt okay.
But you know what? I wouldn't be in this university today if I had dealt with all exams the same way. Doing a terrible job may feel good now, but it will be bad in the long term. So do a good job now and go through some pain, it'll be better in the long term!
And you may say I should just enjoy life and relax and such, but what if doing a good job is what makes me enjoy life? What if knowing that I'm doing a good job and I'm doing what is required of me is exactly what I want from life? Maybe that's my goal. I woulf feel unfulfilled giving up working hard for something like a boyfriend or a family or partying or hanging out with people. And I would feel doubly unfulfilled if I gave up hard work in favor of wasting time online and accomplishing pretty much nothing. I would end up in a boring job that dulls my brains and boring free time that I would spend feeling like I never accomplished anything. Or I would end up in a stressful job that I hate, but one that is also far less meaningful to me than the jobs that may be available to me after doing well in university.
So I guess achieving something is what I want from my life. And I don't think that can happen any other way than through some hard work and a little bit of suffering. Heck, I kind of like some hard work and a little bit of suffering. Today, when I didn't feel so great, was mostly when I wasn't doing anything. As soon as I started dealing with one of the things I knew I had to do, I felt good.
So I suppose I gotta do what I gotta do. There's no other way. So I do what I must and when I'm done or at least started, I feel better!