Author Topic: Crack-A-joke  (Read 39076 times)

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Offline Flisch

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #240 on: July 09, 2010, 09:27:51 am »
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.

Then it hit me...
There is, of course, a difference between having a laugh with someone, and having a laugh at their expense

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #241 on: July 09, 2010, 10:57:08 am »
That frisbee isn't the only thing you should be worried about hitting you.  :(
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Spartan King 95

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #242 on: July 11, 2010, 07:51:43 pm »
A navy corpsman, a army ranger and a coast guard are told that if they swim across a pool they can have whatever they want. The navy corpsman looks in and sees piranhas, sharks and a bunch of bad stuff and says, "No I'll pass."
The Coast guard guy looks in and sees the same thing, he says, "Maybe next time."
The army ranger jumps in and swims to the other side as fast as he can. "Congratulations, you won. What do you wnat?"
The army ranger then replies, "I want the jarhead who pushed me in.

I got this joke from a former army ranger.
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Offline Rysworld

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #243 on: July 13, 2010, 01:38:41 pm »
How to find a Minecraft player:

Hiss loudly in a public place and see who runs.

Offline Krakow Sam

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #244 on: July 13, 2010, 05:32:12 pm »
unfortunately that also filters people who are afraid of snakes and leaking gas.
Sam is basically right, he's just cranky.

Offline Rysworld

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #245 on: July 13, 2010, 06:16:52 pm »
Put on a balloon creeper costume, expand it, hiss, see who runs.

It's all so simple you wonder why you bothered to ask.

Offline Gorman Conall

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #246 on: September 05, 2010, 03:48:34 pm »
A 14 year old girl and her 6 year old sister are at the kitchen table having a heated dispute. In a lash of anger the older sisters says. "Santa claus doesn't exist!"

To which the younger sister replied. "Oh yeah? well neither does Edward Cullen!"

One of them ran from the table crying.

Offline Cyst

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #247 on: September 05, 2010, 03:53:02 pm »
I find that amusing.
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Offline Grazony

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #248 on: September 05, 2010, 10:42:58 pm »
Hahaha! :D

Bravo!
*claps*

You'll never know why.
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Offline Talkc

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #249 on: September 07, 2010, 11:58:08 am »
There are 3 old ladies sitting on a bench in the park. Their names are Agnes, Agatha, and Betty. They are feeding the pigeons when an old man in a trenchcoat walks in front of them. He stops, turns, and flashes them revealing his naked body under the trenchcoat.

Well immediately Agnes has a stroke.

And Agatha, seeing Agnes... immediately has a stroke.

But Betty?

Her arms were too short.

Offline Lush City

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #250 on: September 07, 2010, 12:08:18 pm »
U funny.

Offline Rysworld

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #251 on: September 07, 2010, 12:09:08 pm »
Are you saying that he's funny, or that it's unfunny?

Offline Talkc

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #252 on: September 07, 2010, 01:29:19 pm »

Offline Clarke

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #253 on: July 13, 2011, 01:12:19 pm »
A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition.

Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!”

Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison.
“Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed.

The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward.

Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!”

The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win.
Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias.

A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward.

One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate.

The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!”

Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed.

“Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground.

The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?”
Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy ****, Toby, a talking dog!”
« Last Edit: July 13, 2011, 01:19:49 pm by Clarke »

Offline Flisch

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Re: Crack-A-joke
« Reply #254 on: July 13, 2011, 02:22:02 pm »
What's the sound of two drums and a cymbal hitting the ground?

Ba-dum tish
There is, of course, a difference between having a laugh with someone, and having a laugh at their expense