Author Topic: Growing out of your friends?  (Read 7770 times)

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Offline Lord Janos

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Growing out of your friends?
« on: October 29, 2007, 10:02:03 am »
This is a pseudo-rant thread.

Lately my close friends have been seriously pissing me off.  They're irritating and I'm known for my foul moods/temper/whatever you want to call it.  That's not really a good premise for a solid relationship with anyone.  Our interests are now pretty different - I spend most of my time in the gym, playing sports, hanging around with those kinds of people, than doing what I used to do with them.  Let's just face it - they're jealous of my body and the fact that I'm growing out of them and have people I prefer to hang out with.

So, to the crux of the thread - how do you ditch annoying friends who still consider you one of their "close friends", and refuse to accept the fact that you're drifting away from them and leaving them for a better bunch?  I am cold to them, ignore them, and rip the hell out of their petty squabbles with each other (here's a hilarious example: we bought a large alcohol supply while a load of us were out in Italy last week, and split it between rooms.  I charged a 10 tariff to dip into it and drink what you liked, and they made a tally chart (not kidding here, serious algebra going on here!) of exactly how much they'd drunk and how much they exactly owed for the amount of beer/whisky/whatever they'd drunk - then confronted me the next day, where I of course laughed in their faces for being so petty and demanding 3 or whatever back from me).  Anyway, you can see why these losers piss me off.  Anything else short of telling them straight (where they'd subsequently be even more irritating just to piss me off out of spite) that I could try so that they get the message?

Cheers.



Offline Gorman Conall

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2007, 10:11:11 am »
I'm sorry i don't have time for a long reply right now..but please read over what you just wrote.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2007, 11:35:49 am by LadyM »

Offline martyk

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2007, 10:19:09 am »
It's  true, you do.  I'd simply suggest hanging out with other people and avoiding them when possible.  Though if at all possible, you should try to fix your friendship.  Good friends are hard to come by.
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Offline LadyM

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2007, 10:23:38 am »
It's pretty normal to drift into new friendships when your interests change. A lot of people you call friends now are really just in your life for a short time. You call these people close friends but you want to ditch them, that seems kind of odd. You don't have to spend all your time with them but I'm not sure ditching them would be good if you've been friends a long time. Do you really want to hurt someone you might want back as a friend later? If you really don't consider them friends, then just be honest and tell them your going in a different direction and you need more space. Just remember that you might not salvage these friendships later if its a mistake. Martyk is right, if you find a good friend, one you can trust and be yourself with, you better keep them because they are very rare.

Offline Lord Janos

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2007, 10:33:24 am »
I may need them as business associates at a later date, which is why I want to avoid cutting them completely off.  I may sound like an "ass", but I'm sure everyone's been in a situation when you've just had enough of certain people.  There are times when I think, "Man, it's a shame that I've made this decision... you're actually a pretty good friend," but then that swiftly changes to a, "Kill yourself," mindset.  Try meeting these people yourself - they're the kind who are alright if you're with them one to one, but as soon as they're around each other they turn into a pack of bickering prats.

Offline PatMan33

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2007, 11:07:26 am »
You have to go about this carefully, make certain that you plan each step and think of the consequences. Also do not expect a quick fix, this will take some time because you are going to have to slowly ween these people off of you.

Offline Mae

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2007, 11:22:13 am »
If you don't like "these close friends", have you tried to find things you can do with them? I mean, if you can survive going to italy, I'm sure you guys have something in common. Also, don't be a douchebag to them- it never helps in the long run, unless you're fond of enemies.

If you REALLY don't like them, then maybe you should just be subtle "Oh, I'm busy", or "I'm not able to do that, how about you come to the gym with me on Friday".

It's called compromise, and it'll help.

Offline Lord Janos

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2007, 11:47:26 am »
If you don't like "these close friends", have you tried to find things you can do with them? I mean, if you can survive going to italy, I'm sure you guys have something in common. Also, don't be a douchebag to them- it never helps in the long run, unless you're fond of enemies.

If you REALLY don't like them, then maybe you should just be subtle "Oh, I'm busy", or "I'm not able to do that, how about you come to the gym with me on Friday".

It's called compromise, and it'll help.

I moved out of the room in Italy after the first two nights and spent the rest of my time in a room with other people, so technically I didn't put up with them.

I think PatMan is right, the only option is a slow phase-out until I move next year.

Offline Luminar

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2007, 12:57:06 pm »
Just sever and ignore them. If they're pissing you off it's probably mutual, and that's not what friends do, hence they're not your friends and you're not theirs. Get outta there.

Offline sgore

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2007, 02:18:23 pm »
how do you ditch annoying friends who still consider you one of their "close friends", and refuse to accept the fact that you're drifting away from them and leaving them for a better bunch?

Well if you take that kind of attitude with them, I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up one day and found out they were getting a tad annoyed with you...
If there are issues you have with them, explain that to them (In a somewhat kinder way however.). And at the same time be perceptive and listen to what they have to say. Don't be afraid to have what may be a hard/awkward yet meaningful discussion with them if you in any way care about them. I mean seriously, I'd really be more interested in trying to save the friendship then destroy it. Like LadyM said, If you find a good friend keep em.

I have experience here. I've been on the other end of this stick a few times. Most recently a few years ago. There was a girl I knew from summer camp who I pretty much cared about almost like a sister. Seriously we were great friends. Then one day she just stopped talking to me. Literally. With no explanation. We had a lot of friends in common at camp, so I saw a lot of her, however she wouldn't respond to anything I said. Or acknowledge my existence in any way. I finally got an explanation later during the school year. According to her, her interests were "changing" and I didn't "fit in" with her new lifestyle. All her other friends seemed to fit in fine with it, but I apparently did not.  After that she when back to not talking to me again through the school year and the next summer. It took me a while to realize how much of a BS explanation that was. By the time I did, It was the last day I was going to see her at camp. (And as it turned out the last day I was going to see her for over a year) True friendships aren't based on shallow and artificial things like what bands you listen to or how you dress yourself. If that were the case, 90% of the people I'm close friends with wouldn't want anything to do with me. There's something more than that. I tried to tell her that. Tell her I would have supported her interests if she'd given me the chance, that I'd have been there for her if she'd just asked. Tell her she was better than that. Not the kind of person who treated friends like any other commodity, easily dropped the instant they inconvenience you. Poured my heart out to her.  She didn't say anything. I can't tell you how much that hurts. If you can't trust your best friends to be there for you, who can you trust? Still, afterwards I went over to some other friends of mine and talked to them about it. They promised they wouldn't ever do anything like that so that made me feel better.
But it was still hard to trust people after something like that.
One of my biggest fears was that I'd wake up one day and find my closest friends had decided that they're too cool for me. I knew my friends are too good for that, but it didn't completely stop the fear.
I did start seeing her in school again, and she's started waving to me in the hallways. A little regretfully almost. We've said a few words to each other, but nothing about what happened. It feels like she's sorry for it, but doesn't know what to say. I don't either. I still want to talk to her though.

If you ever cared about these guys, ever placed any real value on your relationship with them, you at least owe them a conversation. (Though I would recommend doing it one-on-one) People can surprise you. It may turn out they genuinely care about you and what you have to say.
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Offline Lord Janos

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2007, 02:51:29 pm »
how do you ditch annoying friends who still consider you one of their "close friends", and refuse to accept the fact that you're drifting away from them and leaving them for a better bunch?

Well if you take that kind of attitude with them, I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up one day and found out they were getting a tad annoyed with you...
If there are issues you have with them, explain that to them (In a somewhat kinder way however.). And at the same time be perceptive and listen to what they have to say. Don't be afraid to have what may be a hard/awkward yet meaningful discussion with them if you in any way care about them. I mean seriously, I'd really be more interested in trying to save the friendship then destroy it. Like LadyM said, If you find a good friend keep em.

I have experience here. I've been on the other end of this stick a few times. Most recently a few years ago. There was a girl I knew from summer camp who I pretty much cared about almost like a sister. Seriously we were great friends. Then one day she just stopped talking to me. Literally. With no explanation. We had a lot of friends in common at camp, so I saw a lot of her, however she wouldn't respond to anything I said. Or acknowledge my existence in any way. I finally got an explanation later during the school year. According to her, her interests were "changing" and I didn't "fit in" with her new lifestyle. All her other friends seemed to fit in fine with it, but I apparently did not.  After that she when back to not talking to me again through the school year and the next summer. It took me a while to realize how much of a BS explanation that was. By the time I did, It was the last day I was going to see her at camp. (And as it turned out the last day I was going to see her for over a year) True friendships aren't based on shallow and artificial things like what bands you listen to or how you dress yourself. If that were the case, 90% of the people I'm close friends with wouldn't want anything to do with me. There's something more than that. I tried to tell her that. Tell her I would have supported her interests if she'd given me the chance, that I'd have been there for her if she'd just asked. Tell her she was better than that. Not the kind of person who treated friends like any other commodity, easily dropped the instant they inconvenience you. Poured my heart out to her.  She didn't say anything. I can't tell you how much that hurts. If you can't trust your best friends to be there for you, who can you trust? Still, afterwards I went over to some other friends of mine and talked to them about it. They promised they wouldn't ever do anything like that so that made me feel better.
But it was still hard to trust people after something like that.
One of my biggest fears was that I'd wake up one day and find my closest friends had decided that they're too cool for me. I knew my friends are too good for that, but it didn't completely stop the fear.
I did start seeing her in school again, and she's started waving to me in the hallways. A little regretfully almost. We've said a few words to each other, but nothing about what happened. It feels like she's sorry for it, but doesn't know what to say. I don't either. I still want to talk to her though.

If you ever cared about these guys, ever placed any real value on your relationship with them, you at least owe them a conversation. (Though I would recommend doing it one-on-one) People can surprise you. It may turn out they genuinely care about you and what you have to say.


I'm surprised you didn't ditch that girl friend who started ignoring you.  I have a very close friend who seemingly can't be bothered with me anymore, and I've decided to do likewise with her.  The way I see it, if someone can't be bothered to make the effort with you, don't make the effort with them.  If your friends irritate you more than proving valuable uses of your time, then they're not worth that time, in my opinion.  Over 50% of the time these friends of mine are more stressful than anything else, and I'm quite happy settling in with new people and getting to know them instead.

It seems like you were properly shafted by that girl though, sgore.  You shouldn't take it - if anyone does that to me then they're out of my life.

Offline 762

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2007, 04:39:47 pm »
i was in kind of a similar situation not too long ago. I decided, after not really having a hell of a lot of contact with them for a couple months, that my group of friends were all immature *******s. I just started hanging around other people who I like better and who like me better. Turns out the "friends" i had before didn't really like me since i'm quieter and more reserved than throwing my friends' shoes in the garbage every chance i get. Anyway, we didn't like each other so it just kind of worked out that we drifted away.

If you don't like these friends, but they still like you, just start politely rejecting their offers to do things until they give up or confront you.

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Offline stuck

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2007, 08:25:40 pm »
Hmm.. yes. I had a similiar situation about two/one year(s) ago. I was outgrowing my friend, didn't really find it fun anymore.

So what did I do? I cleverly dumped him on my younger brother!! My younger brother phased out of him, but he doesn't quite posses the knack I do at social engineering  ::) and his severance of the relationship was far more bitter. It worked out all right. For my part, at least. :D

Offline Mr. Consideration

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2007, 10:30:04 am »
I think it is totally natural to drift any from people. I drifted into a new group that I much prefer and feel more at home in (Although admittedly I'd been in both groups for a while). People change.
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Offline Celdur

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Re: Growing out of your friends?
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2007, 10:54:09 am »
well my old 'best friend' popped out of existance 2 years ago...he was there one day and the next he was gone...weird stuff

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