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Random Encounters => Everything Else => Topic started by: Areku on March 23, 2006, 08:31:47 pm

Title: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on March 23, 2006, 08:31:47 pm
It was a sad day today, I met with my girlfriend after she got home, I was waiting at her bus stop as a surprise. I had a weird vibe, but she asked if i wanted to do anything tonight or if I was busy. The first sign was her saying that it couldn't be a public place, and that she would meet me there(rather than me picking her up). So I await 7 PM and get to the park where she is waiting. We hug each other, then she says we should go sit in the back of my car. Then she does it.....she says she can't see me anymore. We both cried and spent hours talking. I was obviously had to give it a shot to trya and make things right by saying we could work past it, but to no avail. She said she just didn't feel anything, she didn't love me in a relationship way. After 15 months, we broke up. I was devestated. Well to skip the other stuff, I still have strong feelings for her, and we are goin to try and remain friends.....any adive, please post anything you may want to say or anything that could help me get through this, such as what to do with pictures of her, her gifts etc... thanks so much
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: MrFrenik on March 23, 2006, 10:18:01 pm
I still have strong feelings for her, and we are goin to try and remain friends

I'm going to be direct with you because you asked for some advice - at this point, with you feeling like you do, you two can't be friends.  15 months is a long time, by the way;  did you ever see any indication that she might be considering calling things off with you?
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Kaze on March 23, 2006, 11:30:25 pm
To remain friends after a relationship the breakup tends to need to be mutual, and even when that criteria is met, it is still difficult. Unless you are completely over her, being friends with her will be detremental to your well being. You may feel like you should be her friend, because she wants you to be, but that is just your affection for her twisting your desire.

I would recommend saving the pictures and gifts, at least some of them. Perhaps you should put them away somewhere for now, but you are young (according to your profile); someday you will look back, remember your relationship with her and smile. At that point you'll be glad you saved these things.

As for getting over her in general, that just takes time. Don't be afraid to talk to your friends about it and get your feelings out, or do whatever it is you do to process your emotions; just don't be mopey All the time, as that can annoy even the best of friends. Beyond this, simply try not to dwell on it nor over-analyze things, to do so will serve no purpose; your thoughts cannot change what has already come to pass. Instead, focus on the future. Being single does not come without its perks, and when you've moved on enough, you can begin to focus on other girls.

That's all from me I guess. I posess a plethora of relationship experience, but when it comes to serious, lasting relationships, I'm as clueless as anyone. Considering this, you ought to take my words with a grain of salt.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: LadyM on March 24, 2006, 05:55:00 am
I'm sorry to hear that. You are lucky in the fact that she actually told you the truth rather than just stopped talking to you and make you wonder what happened. She seems to care about your feelings and didn't want to hurt you more than she did. You will continue to have strong feelings for awhile so give yourself some time. Put all the the notes, cards and memories in a box and store it. Don't throw it away, you might want to go through it later when you are feeling better and make a better decision about it. It will be very hard right now to remain close friends. It's not impossible but its difficult at best. It would be better for you to not have contact with her for awhile until you are not feeling so down.  If you stay friends now, it will hurt you more each time you see her or she does things without you. Spare yourself the pain. It is much easier to be friends later down the road.

The important thing to remember is that you will get over this in time and it might take a year. You will find another girl and you might find that you are more into her than the first one. Look at it as a life experience, take what you learned from this one and the good things that came out of it and apply it to your life.  There is always the possibility that in time you both will find your way back to each other but don't wait for it. Keep yourself busy and don't dwell on it. Finally, you have to remember that you cannot change someone else or how they feel, you can only change yourself and how you deal with it.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: MrFrenik on March 24, 2006, 08:49:29 am
I just recently got out of the same situation that you are in.  My girlfriend of about 10 months ended it with me on the day of our high school graduation (talk about timing).  After that we agreed to stay "friends", but it was very difficult on both of us to not be romantic with each other.  It got very confusing, emotionally draining, and eventually after a few fights we just stopped talking.  It was a very difficult and possibly damaging way to take time from each other, but it was a good thing that it happened.  We should have stopped communicating from the very beginning of the break up. This was about 6 months ago and I'm now just starting to feel as if I'm really getting over her.  I have classes with her and the communication between us is unaffected by hidden meanings and hurt feelings.  Because of that break, it feels as if it's all in the past and I can look back at memories that I had with her and feel both goofy about some of the things I did and very nostalgic about my life.  LadyM is right, these things are all an experience that we all go through, even your ex.  Don't look at her as being your last opportunity for love.  And don't look at this as her last opportunity either.  You both weren't the best "fit" for each other at this moment but that doesnt' mean that nothing else will fit either.  You're both young and both changing, and the best thing for you to do is to learn to accept that your love doesn't ever end with a relationship.  People will come in and out of your life, things will constantly change, but what can be constant is your love for yourself and others. 

What helped me get through some things was definitely taking time away from her (including any communicating online, phone, etc.), spending time with close friends that I might have neglected while I was with her, and reading a lot of various books and articles over the subject (much like you're doing now).  The reason this thing hurts is because you've associated yourself with this girl and now that she's gone, you're completely confused about how to define yourself.  Think about what you would have been doing had you not been in a relationship all this time and DO THOSE THINGS.  Completely change your routines for a while and then you'll be able to get accustomed to that, meanwhile growing farther away from your old routine and any hurt that's associated with it.

For any reading, I suggest looking at some modern books on Bhuddism.  The great thing about these books is that even if you're not a "spiritual person", the teachings are certainly practical and appliable to what you're going through. 
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on March 24, 2006, 09:09:54 am
Thanks guys. I really appreciata all the hlp you have given. I just woke up today after a long night's sleep, and I guess its just now sinking in that I won't be doing the things I usually do anymore. MrFrenik is right though, I did tend to neglect my friends when with her and I sort of deifned myself as "the guy going out with that girl". SO it is really confusing and difficult to try and figure out what to do now. I'm going to take everyones advice and call some friends today and hopefully get a chance to see some of them.

As far as the staying friends thing goes, I can definetly understand the points you made. It will be difficult to keep a friendship knowing I still have feelings for her, and she doesnt have the same ones for me. It is sad, because we were friends for a while before we started dating too. So, I think your right, I won't be mean about it or anything, but I do think at the very least I should try and distance myself from her until I can at least come to terms with this.

I really dread the coming months, especially having to put up with school and work at the same time. I'll have to take some time to evaluate what I want from life now. I never did really think too much about it, but now I really have no choice since there really isn't anything I can do to put it off anymore  :P . Reliving last night in my head will be a hard thing to stop doing, as well as remembering how just a few days ago we were having a wonderful time together. It will be hard giving her up for good, especially since besides the whol breaking up thing, we did get along in many ways.

One of the worst things was when she told me how she had been thinking it about this for months. She said she was really torn up about it and had finally made the decision on this past wednesday. I guess that dang radio show host was right about girls knowing months in advance about these sort of things, and the guys being clueless. The main reason I think I didn't really spot a red flag till yesterday was because she always would seem tired or "blah" especially after a week in school. It was really difficult to hear her say she didn't love me (which proves me right, because after a date I would always say goodnight and I love you, though she would only say it back once or twice). Hearing her say that she only really loved me for about a week(ouch) and that week was when she was away from me. But I suppose it is for the best since she did not care aout me. It will just be hard, especially since it was such a long relationship and I cared for her so much, not to mention she was the quirkyest girl I had ever met...she would have been a great grilfriend had she you know, had that whole mutual love thing going on.

Thanks for helping again, I dread trying to get all her things together and putting them away. Even listening to the cd music she let me burn on my comp....damn. Especially since I'm wearing the robe she got me as well as sleeping under the blanket(i'm doing it because its just how I've been sleeping the last few months) so I'll be out a way to sleep...it will feel really weird. I will try and take your advice, so wish me luck and thanks for listening to my ranting.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: MrFrenik on March 24, 2006, 11:55:47 am
It sounds like you're going to try and take it very rationally and calmly, which I admire.  Be sure to cry a bit - a lot, actually.  Feeling sad is a part of discovering who you are outside of a relationship.  And you're right, if she only loved you for a week, it's much better off.  My ex and I were good friends before we got together, also, so I know where you're coming from.  When friends fall in love it can be the most incredible bond one can imagine.  But if they break it off, it can be a total wreck.  It'll be tough for a while, at least a month or so, but take the responsibility to mend yourself before talking with her again.  Like you said, keep your mind on friends, school, and work to get YOUR routine down.  Then once you've established yourself, talk with her.  It'll be very comforting to know that the friendship that you two had before all of this will still be there and maybe even better off.  She'll respect you for doing this and, even more importantly, you'll respect yourself.

Good luck, man
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Krakow Sam on March 24, 2006, 02:26:24 pm
My advice is to become deeply cynical and become a brilliant pill-popping diagnostician...

I dont have any serious advice. I'm sorry.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on March 24, 2006, 02:49:27 pm
My advice is to become deeply cynical
Already have my friend....  :D   Thanks though, and to everyone else. Your advice and kind words help a lot.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Krakow Sam on March 25, 2006, 12:22:23 am
My advice is to become deeply cynical
Already have my friend....  :D   Thanks though, and to everyone else. Your advice and kind words help a lot.
See, thanking people and calling them friends makes me think you arent trying hard enough on the cynicism front :P
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Kaze on March 25, 2006, 12:27:31 am
Krakow Sam is the worst excuse for a cynic ever. What a waste of oxygen.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Krakow Sam on March 25, 2006, 12:31:42 am
Krakow Sam is the worst excuse for a cynic ever. What a waste of oxygen.

That makes me very sad :'(

Uh, I mean... I dont care because everyone sucks!
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Kaze on March 25, 2006, 12:43:24 am
Sorry, I was just trying to live up to your standards. I know you feel cut, deep down.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Legodragonxp on March 25, 2006, 04:54:25 am
My only advice, unless you live deep in the outback or in an igloo, relax. Kick back and realize that there are other poeple out there. If you feel like being mad for a while, go pick up and REO Speedwagon greatest hits CD and blast through it while playing a slow to medium paced destructive video game. Take out your frustrations on something other than your ex- and her friends.

Also, I don't know anything about the social circle, but try to drop the issue. Don't put your mutual friends in to the firing line. If they are put in a position to make choices, they'll probably drift away from one or both of you.

I was going to see what ages we are talking here, but in reality, that is totaly pointless. I've seen 40 year old women act they they are 14 and 50 year old guys act they they are 5.

I won't share any personal stories here, and I have a few whoppers, but remember this: M.A.N.D.Y.

My,
Another
Neurotic
Disappointment?
Yes!

That about sums up my life. :)

-Lego
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on March 25, 2006, 01:28:54 pm
I've had a couple days to really think about this, and I hate to say my rationality is declining. I mean it is very hard to understand and explain every little detail about us and how our relationship worked. At least her friend is mine as well and I have talked to her friend a few times to help things. I still think after seeing how things have played out that there is still a chance, I refuse to believe that it is over for good. I know I'm completely mad and I realize that this is a baaaad thing to do to myself, but I somehow have to believe in my heart that it still has a chance and that we can still work our problems out together. I find myself wanting to call her so badly and go to see her and try and work things out with her.

I do want to give her time though. She did end up calling me last night, I told her how much I still felt for her and that it is hard for me talking to her, so I would have to wait till things clear up. I know that was a matureish thing to do, but it isn't what I wanted to do AT ALL. I wanted to talk to her all night, I wanted to believe everything is still ok and that we still get along really well. Regardless though, I do still love her and deeply long to see her or hear her voice and talk things out with her... we told each other we would help each other out, and I desperatly want to, and I desperatly want to convince her it can still work, I am just scared though.... I still HAVE to believe it will all work out... I honestly couldn't accept it if I didn't have that hope.... I think I watch too many sitcoms and see how people get back together after realizing the mistake they made...I want that, and I'll be damned if it isn't possible....

That being said, I'm a complete wreck and very worried and feel alone. Do my beliefs have any chance? I can't even have myself to type that I may be wrong, I don't want to accept that. And I still really want to talk to her at the very least....I have to literally wokr hard at not calling her right now and going into everyhting I've though about. Forgive me for being over emotional and irrationality.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: LadyM on March 25, 2006, 02:01:43 pm
What your feeling is very normal and holding on to hope that will work out is also normal but it may not be realistic. Real life is seldom like a sitcom or movie with a happy ending. Things happen that we have no control over. I think you did the right thing in telling her you couldn't talk right now, as hard as it was for you to do that. It is very hard to get over a rejection by someone you love. Please don't hold on to the hope that one day she will say she made a mistake. You have to try to focus on other things. As someone said earlier, give yourself time to be sad and cry and even be angry but you have to move on. Lean on your family to help you through this and your close friends, it might help the loneliness you feel.

I can't say if your beliefs have a chance or not. I don't know anything about her but if she has honestly told you that she has not loved you like you love her, then I'm sorry to say that it probably will not happen. If you really feel the need to express your feelings to her, try writing a letter to her and say everything you need to say. Put it all down on paper... but don't send it. Either throw it away or save it. Keep a journal or notebook and every time you feel overwhelmed, write it down. It helps to get it out and later when things feel okay again, it will amaze you at how far you have come.  Take one day at a time and remember that it will take some time.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on March 25, 2006, 03:47:59 pm
Wow, it feels as if I'm having mood swings today. But I am trying to keep busy. I stayed at a friends house last night, but I had to leave this evening once his girlfriend came over(it was hard to watch). But now I am going to play some mini-put and grab some food with another friend I haven't seen in a LONG time, since he moved to Jersey. He is coming up from his grandmothers today and we'll hang out. Good thing is he didn't get on his plane today so he'll be here for a few more weeks, giving me the oppertunity to go see him during the week and maybe hang out for the night. My friends have been really supporting. And its also nice to know that 2 of them at least know my ex ( wow it was weird to ype that, i was ready to post till I realized that wouldnt be right....habit) so they can help us through it individually. And most of my friends have said similar things and given good advice. Like I said, I told her last night I would need a while, and it may be me just being happy for now, and I obviously will be sad and it will be hard to get over this, but I definetly look forward to seeing her after a while even as just friends, she really does still care about me, shes not heartless, I will try my hardest to keep at least the friendship, that is most important. I mean hey, she is the best one to go to for advice on girls now, and she knows me real well so she can give good advice haha :D I'm getting ahead of myself I know( im not going to go look for girls anytime soon), but for now this is my plan. Many thanks to all, especailly you LadyM, you have been such a sweetie and helpful. As well as everyone here.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Cobra on March 25, 2006, 09:49:34 pm
As a video games forums I'm sure you are a gamer it couldn't hurt to take some frustrations out on some polygons.

I know killing lemmings always cheered me up plus it should give you something to do other than sit around in a sad way.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: LadyM on March 26, 2006, 06:52:59 am
Many thanks to all, especailly you LadyM, you have been such a sweetie and helpful. As well as everyone here.

Your welcome  :) It's nice to see you in a better mood. Now go kill some lemmings ;)
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on April 01, 2006, 08:38:02 pm
Thanks to all of you soooo much, but I have wonderful news. Last night I talked to her for the first time since we broke up, it was pretty rough, I obviously was upset, depressed etc. But after trying my chance at solving things...she still didn't think it was a good idea to get back together.

But today she called me out of the blue, it was 5 so I thought she was at work, so that was really weird. Then she just asks me where I am; I told her I was at home. Then she just asks if she can come over, and I say ok. That was the end of the conversation, so I wait, nervously because I have no idea whats going on. She gets here and pulls me out on my front porch, and very bluntly puts it "I really missed you, do you want to get back together?" and the rest is history as they say.....it felt really weird tonight, but I guess that is expected...wish me continued luck

Oh, and by the way, its not an april fools day joke. Haha it woulda been horrible if she ended up saying that  :D
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Vivec on April 01, 2006, 08:40:06 pm
Haha it woulda been horrible if she ended up saying that  :D

Yeah, you might have to take back what you said earlier about her not being cruel.

But, holy crap! That's freaking good news!
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Leannain on April 02, 2006, 03:41:53 pm
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Kaze on April 02, 2006, 03:54:45 pm
Glad to hear the good news Areku. I wish you two the best of luck.
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
This is an example of someone who didn't read the whole thread.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Vivec on April 02, 2006, 03:59:57 pm
Glad to hear the good news Areku. I wish you two the best of luck.
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
This is an example of someone who didn't read the whole thread.

Or even the most recent two posts.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: sgore on April 02, 2006, 04:03:58 pm
Glad to hear the good news Areku. I wish you two the best of luck.
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
This is an example of someone who didn't read the whole thread.

Or even the most recent two posts.
Or he did but is just very Cynical  :D
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Kaze on April 02, 2006, 04:10:14 pm
Glad to hear the good news Areku. I wish you two the best of luck.
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
This is an example of someone who didn't read the whole thread.

Or even the most recent two posts.
Or he did but is just very Cynical :D
If that's the case, his post easily gives Krakow Sam a run for his money.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Leannain on April 02, 2006, 05:25:25 pm
Glad to hear the good news Areku. I wish you two the best of luck.
woah that must suck mate!.

Well,i guess i would avoid seeing her or talk to her
This is an example of someone who didn't read the whole thread.

Or even the most recent two posts.
Or he did but is just very Cynical  :D

Right on! ;)
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on April 02, 2006, 09:44:26 pm
Oh, thanks everyone. We went to go see V for Vendetta, great movie btw. She also got me a present....looks more like a sex toy though  :o its actually a foot massager. I guess it turns out my life is more like a sitcom than I thought....  :D . Oh and here, this is a pic of us at a dance last year.

(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y248/Areku55/2.jpg)

 At least now you get to see us and the CRAZY height difference. I feel bad though....making you all go through this, then making you look at a picture of me  :P
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Vivec on April 02, 2006, 09:45:29 pm
Holy Crap! She looks almost exactly like someone I know... weird. Are you tall, or is she just short?
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on April 02, 2006, 09:54:04 pm
Are you tall, or is she just short?
both lol....I'm 6'3'' and she is like 4'10''
heres a better pic of her...its my favorite one  ;D

(http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y248/Areku55/74101189.jpg)
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Vivec on April 02, 2006, 09:56:11 pm
She doesn't look like my friend, actually. It must have just been that one.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: LadyM on April 03, 2006, 08:17:38 am
Nice picture, she's very pretty. Glad to hear you are back together and happy again.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Legodragonxp on April 03, 2006, 08:28:19 am
Twitterpated.

-or-

[Timon:]  And if he falls in love tonight
          It can be assumed
          His carefree days with us are history
          In short, our pal is doomed
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Vivec on April 03, 2006, 11:54:16 am
I was dating this girl from around 18 months when something really, really bad happened to me and when I needed her to be there for me she flipped out on me. We still talk and she's apologized but I just can't feel the same way that I did before the whole mess.

You mean one of those times the grim reaper failed to get you?
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Leannain on April 03, 2006, 11:57:36 am
damn you're TALL :o
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: c14dude on April 03, 2006, 01:12:01 pm
so let me get this straight, she dumps you then a few days latter
says she missed you and wants to get back together?

if she can drop you that easily, what are you going to
do if she does it agian when she loses interest?

it sounds to me like whatever guy she tryed to
get with dureing the "break" didnt work out in
her favor so she just wants you back.

but hey i dont know her so i could be wrong...
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Damned_Zombie on April 03, 2006, 01:29:13 pm
Shh! He's happy! Leave him alone... while it lasts ;)
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: MrFrenik on April 03, 2006, 02:34:14 pm
so let me get this straight, she dumps you then a few days latter
says she missed you and wants to get back together?

if she can drop you that easily, what are you going to
do if she does it agian when she loses interest?

it sounds to me like whatever guy she tryed to
get with dureing the "break" didnt work out in
her favor so she just wants you back.

but hey i dont know her so i could be wrong...

While c14dude might be a little blunt with what he's saying, he does have a good point.  Enjoy that things are working out how you wanted them to, but be careful.  Find out exactly why she left in the first place, then take it slowly to see if it might happen again.  If she doesn't flip out again, then a big WOOT to you.
Title: Re: Anyone have any advice?...
Post by: Areku on April 03, 2006, 04:19:31 pm
so let me get this straight, she dumps you then a few days latter
says she missed you and wants to get back together?

if she can drop you that easily, what are you going to
do if she does it agian when she loses interest?

it sounds to me like whatever guy she tryed to
get with dureing the "break" didnt work out in
her favor so she just wants you back.

but hey i dont know her so i could be wrong...

Believe me, it wasnt easy for her, she was devestated as well, and it took a long time for her to work up to even breaking up in the first place.....and she didnt try and go out with another guy. She spent the week at home mostly crying. And yes I know it for a fact as one of my friends was there too.  :P   so cynical.....but you have a good point of being careful.