I Shall Try
Elbows: baghfder m aqnm 212
Nose: bagder man 22
Toes: bbqatgee44 bmkjqwnhj 22123
Fingers: BAdger Man 22

For background, it's about the diagnosis I received about 3 years ago. A major personal disaster of mine was labeled a delusion. But I know it's true. I prevented an even bigger disaster.

I was busy fixing the disaster when its whole existence was called into question. That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I wanted help with fixing it. I did not want to hear it was not real.

But I know it is. I should not have let them interfere with my life. I knew what I needed to do before I was told it was wrong.

I should not have lost sight on what I know. I was on the right track there. I need to get back on track.

I was okay. And I need to get my old self back to get better. I knew what I was doing, and I should have never doubted myself.

Yeah, I mean - which part of huge gnawing secret did people not understand? That means I am not going to tell you. Inevitably someone is going to wonder what it is but I'm telling you. You don't want to know. I don't want you to know.

That's just sometimes how it goes. And I'm telling you it's fine.

When I say you won't understand, I mean it. You would have to live it to understand it. I also wrote 20 pages about it once. That might help you understand. Basically the explanation would have to be a small book. No one has time for that. But if I just blurt it out, it will come out wrong. We could no longer be friends, because I know you get the wrong idea.

So unless I intend to become a part-time novelist, you will never know. If you just heard the entire story, you'd understand. But you won't. An incomplete explanation would provide more misunderstandings than it solves. That is a risk that I cannot take.

Poetry
.
.
Cw: forced smile, death, defeatism, pessimism, evil, religion, arguments, failure, systemic oppression, lies, depression, socialization, stewardship
.
.
.

Set in stone
But still unknown
I walk through the valley
But still
All I know
Is evil

I smile
To a stranger
As though lost souls had met many times before
A fake reaction on my half
Something I do to get the weirdness off the floor
I am happy
To see you
Just not as happy
As I seem to be

With cravings from
A witch carving
A new
Era
Body
Outlook
For life
I stay inside my head
Would I be better off dead

I sit
Alone
Yet surrounded by people
Like a church
Pews filled
Rats running through the steeple
I see no evil

Despite
Trauma
Drama
Pain
Games

I advocate
Some opposite direction
Just to see
Where it takes us

A chronic contrarian
Erotic Aquarian
Looking down the stairs again
Knowing I'll come back empty handed
No answers
No alternative
Except a life lived agrarian
And I cry
Again

Long
Cold
Confusing
My poetry a reflection of the feeling behind the day
And while others fight and argue
I just like to come and play
**** what they say
And what I say
Or you say
Because we all know
That just cuz you say you're planting seeds
Does not mean
They'll
Grow

{♏//♐}