What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get the Chinese newspaper. Get it? Well, neither do I. I get USA Today.
Did you hear the one about the ceiling?
Oh, well, it's way over your head.
A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow."
Three hunters were walking in the woods when they came across some strange tracks. "These are bear tracks," the first hunter declared. "No, these are moose tracks," the second hunter said. The third hunter didn't get to say anything because he was hit by a train.
A manager says to his secretary, "Bring me fresh coffee!" When he gets his coffee, he spits it out in disgust and says "This is revolting! It tastes like dirt!" The secretary replies, "You said you wanted it freshly ground."
WARNING: LONG JOKE AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Once upon a time, there was a man named Skipper. Every day at work Skipper would brag "I know everyone there is to know in the world." So one day his boss got fed up and says "Okay then, why don't you prove it?" So Skipper replied, "Alright, name a person and we'll go to him and I'll prove myself right." His boss thought long and hard and said "Tom Cruise." Skipper said "Oh, that's easy. Tom and I were childhood friends." So Skipper and his boss got on a plane to Hollywood. While on a tour there, Skipper saw Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise said "Skipper! Great to see you, old buddy. How are things going? Let's discuss it over lunch." So Skipper and his boss had lunch and a discussion with Tom Cruise. Then Skipper asked his boss, "Okay, who next?" to which his boss immediately responded, "The President of the United States." Skipper said "That'll be a piece of cake. I sponsored his campaign, you know." So Skipper and his boss got on a plane to Washington, D.C. While on a tour of the White House, Barack Obama came along and said, "Skipper! How long has it been? I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a bill to sign. See you around!" Now Skipper's boss was a little shook up by this, but he was not an easily startled man. Skipper asked, "Who next?" His boss thought for a very long time. Finally, he replied, "The Pope." Skipper said, "That's easy. My family is very religious and we're well acquainted with him." So Skipper and his boss got on a plane to the Vatican. While in the main area, Skipper said "This will never work. There are too many people here for the Pope to notice me. Hold on, I'll go up and wave to everyone with the Pope. It's okay, the guards all know me." So the guards let Skipper in and Skipper went up to the balcony and waved to all the people with the Pope. When he came down, he saw his boss surrounded by paramedics. He rushed to his boss's side and asked "What happened?" His boss said "You were up there with the Pope waving to everybody when a guy next to me said 'who's that up there on the balcony with Skipper?'"
