December 28, 2007
Consoles and Video Games Give Their Resolutions for the New Year
Another year, another banner year for video games. Yet even video games have room for improvement, so do not be shocked to learn that your favorite video games, too, make New Year’s resolutions. And I managed to get a hold of their lists for 2008:
Xbox 360: I resolve to finally figure out how to fix my red ring of death and to start making money for Microsoft.
PlayStation 3: I resolve to stick to a single SKU and stop making Jack Tretton continuously put his foot in his mouth.
Nintendo Wii: I resolve to start to believe my own success and actually make enough systems so that eBay doesn’t turn into WiiBay next year. Oh yeah, and I resolve to stop making people from making Wii puns.
Sony PSP: I resolve to lose more weight and become the “super-duper slim”.
Nintendo DS: I resolve to come out with no more than ten new designs a year.
Electronic Arts: I resolve to not to milk BioWare to death and have them produce no more than one game per year … or two … and only very occasionally three. But never more than four games a year, I promise.
Activision: I resolve to act with class and only mention that I’m now the largest publisher in the world only in every other sentence.
Ubisoft: I resolve to stop cackling with evil laughter every time I mention Assassin’s Creed’s amazing success (giggle).
Take Two: I resolve to release GTA IV and then finally get acquired by a larger publisher.
Blizzard: I resolve to stop making people totally nuts and finally announce Diablo III.
BioWare: I resolve to act surprised when EA forces us to close our Edmonton office and then move everyone to Vancouver.
Bungie: I resolve to stop making Halo and start making some new Myth games.
Valve: I resolve to release the next Half Life 2 Episode before 2010.
GameSpot: I resolve to fire my employees with a bit more class than The Donald from The Apprentice.
Kane & Lynch: I resolve to stop getting people fired.
Guitar Hero III: I resolve to play in stereo on all systems – or mono – one of those two.
Bioshock: I resolve to kindly be nothing more than a pretty remake of System Shock 2.
Halo 3: I resolve to stop repeating my own gameplay over and over and over again.
Halo 2: I resolve to stop being nothing more than a marketing ploy for people to buy Vista.
Mass Effect: I resolve to actually have a combat system which actually works and not just a pretty story. And no more driving and surveying again ... ever.
Assassin’s Creed: I resolve to stop watching the movie Groundhog Day and make my missions different once in awhile.
Super Mario Galaxy: I resolve to continue to piss off the hardcore gamer with my cute graphics and continuous Game of the Year awards.
The Orange Box: I resolve to get that Portal Gun into my next Episode of Half Life 2.
Call of Duty 4: I resolve to be an awesome 5-hour first-person-shooter on rails.
Heavenly Sword: I resolve to get a haircut.
Hellgate: London: I resolve to finally shut Bill Roper up now that I’m out, and not nearly as good as I was promised to be.
Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune: I resolve to get on everyone’s “the best game that nobody played” list now and in the near future.
Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction: I resolve to stop making everyone motion sick.
Crysis: I resolve to start selling.
Unreal Tournament 3: I resolve to make people remember that I exist.
God of War II: I resolve to kill every single man, woman, child, and god in the universe.
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass: I resolve to continue to make people look silly while they play me.
Crackdown: I resolve to completely ignore my narrative and just throw cars and jump off buildings.
Manhunt 2: I resolve to go quietly into that goodnight.
Lair: I resolve to never listen to Sony again and release a game solely dependent upon Sixaxis’ motion control.
Lord of the Rings Online: I resolve to get the recognition that I deserve.
Fury: I resolve to teach everyone trying to release a sub-par MMORPG that you too can put your developer out of business.
Eve: Online: I resolve to do more QA testing.
Vanguard: I resolve to continue to be ignored.
Age of Conan: I resolve to continue to be delayed.
The Eye of Judgment: I resolve to stop letting people cheat and buy some damn cards.
Madden NFL 08: I resolve to continue my slow decline into retirement.
Two Worlds: I resolve to stop living off of Oblivion’s reputation.
The Witcher: I resolve to continue to be my awesome monster killing, fist fighting, drinking contest, womanizing self.
Portal: I resolve to be Still Alive.
Will Wright: I resolve to release Spore this year!